Zelly Sukim

Mr. Zelly Sukim,

You make me smile everyday like an idiot.
I may need to sue you coz I am getting wrinkles.

Love
Princess T

counting sheeps

I couldn't get to sleep last night, as I've been for the previous nights, but last night was particularly bad. I tossed and turned and only fell asleep, or managed to force myself to fall asleep at 6.30 a.m. or thereabout.


I tried to think about counting woolly sheep jumping over fences in a meadow to try to get to sleep at first according to popular belief. That did not work however. That never works. The person who came up with counting sheep to induce sleep is a total dumb ass. Eventually, the image of jumping pills came to mind. You know, like jumping beans from Mexico, except that the only objects that were jumping in my sleep were medicinal pills. Yes, pills that you take to make yourself feel better when you're ill. I had a variety of choices though, although the pills in my head were always the capsule kinds and not the round tabular ones. The choices I had, pertained to the colour of the pills - red and white, green and red, blue and red.. It worked for a while until the sound of the ticking clock and my mom's waking activites burst the image out of my mind. Somehow, counting jumping pills over fences, as ridiculous as it sounds, made me feel more at ease somewhat.


And as I felt that I was slowly drifting into slumber, I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming that Clement was still here, next to me, holding me close as he slept and I felt a sense of calm sweep over me, just like before. But then my conciousness told me that all of it wasn't true and that reality was the better option.


I was happier now?
Definitely with Zelly. Because he treats me well and I love him for who he is. So strong yet so tender.


But the memories then started to rush by one by one, even things that I had buried deep and appeared to have forgotten. I felt anger, angst, hate, sadness, sorrow. I think I also felt something else, but I will never use that word again to describe what we had.


I forced myself to sleep at 6.30 a.m.

loving winehouse

It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.


Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely.


Almost.


Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.


There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.


I think I am in the moment now.
And i hope Amy, you will find yours too.

Come Undone

don't let me hurt you.
don't let me hurt myself.
don't let me come undone.

i'm supposed to love you.
i know i do.
please let it stay that way.

These days I have been thinking

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid

An ode to the Z

Because of you, I am less afraid of what I really am.



Because of you, I learn how to love again. Unconditinally.



Because of you, I dare to wake up to a brand new day, just to see you again.


Because of you, I sleep tight, with no more tears on my pillow.

princess

I found my happily ever after in you.


Fairy tales do come true.


:)

moving on

well hello everybody.
here i am again.
i so get a kick from doing this. okay. whatever.

anyway, i think i have found a new direction.
but i don't know how long it will take me or
how far it will carry me.

i hope the wind continues blowing.
on and on.
even if it's a breeze.

i can imagine myself as red petals. tiny ones.
fragrant.
being blown and blown and blown.
i hope i don't ever land.
even if softly.

i hope it lasts.

i need answers.

one thing never changes though.
i am highly skeptical of Z.
haha.
i just don't believe in love anymore
i'd dismiss him as just sympathetic.
coz i am a train wreck
and everybody loves one.

i hope nothing happens to me

now that i've mustered the courage to move

even if a little.

vertigo

vertigo is frightful. in certain aspects there might perhaps exist vertigo. i'm trying to be as objective as possible. as if i'm looking at myself through a bug's eyes. yet. i find it impossible to distance myself from what i feel. yet. the body is only an apparatus and we are only empty shells. the brain represents the soul. clinical as it sounds. this makes me very disillusioned.

i find it kind of pointless to log what happens to me daily. as my friends and siblings too. does no one actually bare their hearts to the world? of course not. no one's that insane or rather, unguarded. i wonder where these thoughts go to then. do they fill up journal entries as a person lists down what he/she did for the day?

i don't know if you call this trouble. or trouble at all. or even a calm before a very much turbulent storm. i know presently that he will never go away. at least not yet in the least. only until later. but am i that strong to hold on. i've held on. been spat on. stepped on. yea. literally and metaphorically. i laugh to think about it. what a sickening fool. and all the others say so too. why can't you just see. or make a clean break.

you know you can't. and you don't know why. once you let go. you're afraid to fall. and yet you want to fall and try more. then again. no one knows me as well because i dont bare all to anyone else. stripped. to the bone.

repeated experiences. recurrent hurt.

how could anyone give up so easily. that was then. and this is now. and i think i'm not so dumb anymore. i think.

should i just let go. and fall possibly with a thud.
or hang on. and fall possibly with a thud still..

somewhat settled

i think i feel somewhat settled.
amidst the chaos
there is perhaps at least some form of anchorage.

i am anchored to r.
and albeit temptation exists,
i have decided never to yield to one again

for i have to remain true
to what my heart sings.

haunted

haven't you people ever heard of
closing the lid
or maybe the goddamn door knob?

where is your poise and rationality
or do you even possess any

i cant say that i do
but at least
i dont judge

deep inside
i wanna scream
claw
scratch
destroy
everything so brutally

there is no right for you to treat any one this way

for my life has already been screwed enough

then again
does anyone care

and then it becomes a vicious cycle

i hope our kids turn out different.


why am i so bothered then again
it's been so long

cos you're haunting me
you've been haunting me

just go away.

i really want to believe in the goodness of everyone.

a sense of travelling

a sense of longing

the wistfulness

of wanting to get away from it all.

hah. the irony.

i am torn

and i am not supposed to be.

i am not supposed to be.

well at least not in this.




shit.

warning

You better not fool around with him. Shame on you back then. Meeting guys for coffee behind his back.


Watch out boy. My sources are everywhere and I am going to breathe down your neck.

hmm

man is human
and to err
is man.

who is one to impose judgement on another?

anyhow.

i suppose there are some
that are perhaps more discerning
and meticulous.

God forgive the folly and sins of some
the unknowing and innocent

ok
i think i've found my priorities again

i am clear headed again
i think

anyhow
i need to work my ass off
if i am going to get anywhere


cos
once again
i am sorry but i never want to end up like
you.

but i love you so.
i love you.

unconditional love

On this fucking happy day.
:(

i guess sincerity counts for nothing.

maybe i owe you a lot from past karma
which is why i have to shed so many tears for you in this life.

and so many fucking songs remind me of you

i have never loved anyone so much in my life
ever.

i don't understand
and i don't think i ever will

funny cos i don't know
how to un-love you
even if i tell myself
logically
i should.

and even if i move on
the what-ifs
will always reside
in this deep dark corner
of my heart
and plague me.

how can love that runs so deep just end like that?

unless you never loved me
and that all i loved and believed in would just be a lie
and this hurts me even more
because i'm in too deep

and i hate myself for it.

unconditional love, what is?