vertigo

vertigo is frightful. in certain aspects there might perhaps exist vertigo. i'm trying to be as objective as possible. as if i'm looking at myself through a bug's eyes. yet. i find it impossible to distance myself from what i feel. yet. the body is only an apparatus and we are only empty shells. the brain represents the soul. clinical as it sounds. this makes me very disillusioned.

i find it kind of pointless to log what happens to me daily. as my friends and siblings too. does no one actually bare their hearts to the world? of course not. no one's that insane or rather, unguarded. i wonder where these thoughts go to then. do they fill up journal entries as a person lists down what he/she did for the day?

i don't know if you call this trouble. or trouble at all. or even a calm before a very much turbulent storm. i know presently that he will never go away. at least not yet in the least. only until later. but am i that strong to hold on. i've held on. been spat on. stepped on. yea. literally and metaphorically. i laugh to think about it. what a sickening fool. and all the others say so too. why can't you just see. or make a clean break.

you know you can't. and you don't know why. once you let go. you're afraid to fall. and yet you want to fall and try more. then again. no one knows me as well because i dont bare all to anyone else. stripped. to the bone.

repeated experiences. recurrent hurt.

how could anyone give up so easily. that was then. and this is now. and i think i'm not so dumb anymore. i think.

should i just let go. and fall possibly with a thud.
or hang on. and fall possibly with a thud still..