Zelly Sukim

Mr. Zelly Sukim,

You make me smile everyday like an idiot.
I may need to sue you coz I am getting wrinkles.

Love
Princess T

counting sheeps

I couldn't get to sleep last night, as I've been for the previous nights, but last night was particularly bad. I tossed and turned and only fell asleep, or managed to force myself to fall asleep at 6.30 a.m. or thereabout.


I tried to think about counting woolly sheep jumping over fences in a meadow to try to get to sleep at first according to popular belief. That did not work however. That never works. The person who came up with counting sheep to induce sleep is a total dumb ass. Eventually, the image of jumping pills came to mind. You know, like jumping beans from Mexico, except that the only objects that were jumping in my sleep were medicinal pills. Yes, pills that you take to make yourself feel better when you're ill. I had a variety of choices though, although the pills in my head were always the capsule kinds and not the round tabular ones. The choices I had, pertained to the colour of the pills - red and white, green and red, blue and red.. It worked for a while until the sound of the ticking clock and my mom's waking activites burst the image out of my mind. Somehow, counting jumping pills over fences, as ridiculous as it sounds, made me feel more at ease somewhat.


And as I felt that I was slowly drifting into slumber, I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming that Clement was still here, next to me, holding me close as he slept and I felt a sense of calm sweep over me, just like before. But then my conciousness told me that all of it wasn't true and that reality was the better option.


I was happier now?
Definitely with Zelly. Because he treats me well and I love him for who he is. So strong yet so tender.


But the memories then started to rush by one by one, even things that I had buried deep and appeared to have forgotten. I felt anger, angst, hate, sadness, sorrow. I think I also felt something else, but I will never use that word again to describe what we had.


I forced myself to sleep at 6.30 a.m.

loving winehouse

It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.


Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely.


Almost.


Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.


There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.


I think I am in the moment now.
And i hope Amy, you will find yours too.

Come Undone

don't let me hurt you.
don't let me hurt myself.
don't let me come undone.

i'm supposed to love you.
i know i do.
please let it stay that way.

These days I have been thinking

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose you i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid to lose me i am so afraid

An ode to the Z

Because of you, I am less afraid of what I really am.



Because of you, I learn how to love again. Unconditinally.



Because of you, I dare to wake up to a brand new day, just to see you again.


Because of you, I sleep tight, with no more tears on my pillow.

princess

I found my happily ever after in you.


Fairy tales do come true.


:)

moving on

well hello everybody.
here i am again.
i so get a kick from doing this. okay. whatever.

anyway, i think i have found a new direction.
but i don't know how long it will take me or
how far it will carry me.

i hope the wind continues blowing.
on and on.
even if it's a breeze.

i can imagine myself as red petals. tiny ones.
fragrant.
being blown and blown and blown.
i hope i don't ever land.
even if softly.

i hope it lasts.

i need answers.

one thing never changes though.
i am highly skeptical of Z.
haha.
i just don't believe in love anymore
i'd dismiss him as just sympathetic.
coz i am a train wreck
and everybody loves one.

i hope nothing happens to me

now that i've mustered the courage to move

even if a little.

vertigo

vertigo is frightful. in certain aspects there might perhaps exist vertigo. i'm trying to be as objective as possible. as if i'm looking at myself through a bug's eyes. yet. i find it impossible to distance myself from what i feel. yet. the body is only an apparatus and we are only empty shells. the brain represents the soul. clinical as it sounds. this makes me very disillusioned.

i find it kind of pointless to log what happens to me daily. as my friends and siblings too. does no one actually bare their hearts to the world? of course not. no one's that insane or rather, unguarded. i wonder where these thoughts go to then. do they fill up journal entries as a person lists down what he/she did for the day?

i don't know if you call this trouble. or trouble at all. or even a calm before a very much turbulent storm. i know presently that he will never go away. at least not yet in the least. only until later. but am i that strong to hold on. i've held on. been spat on. stepped on. yea. literally and metaphorically. i laugh to think about it. what a sickening fool. and all the others say so too. why can't you just see. or make a clean break.

you know you can't. and you don't know why. once you let go. you're afraid to fall. and yet you want to fall and try more. then again. no one knows me as well because i dont bare all to anyone else. stripped. to the bone.

repeated experiences. recurrent hurt.

how could anyone give up so easily. that was then. and this is now. and i think i'm not so dumb anymore. i think.

should i just let go. and fall possibly with a thud.
or hang on. and fall possibly with a thud still..

somewhat settled

i think i feel somewhat settled.
amidst the chaos
there is perhaps at least some form of anchorage.

i am anchored to r.
and albeit temptation exists,
i have decided never to yield to one again

for i have to remain true
to what my heart sings.

haunted

haven't you people ever heard of
closing the lid
or maybe the goddamn door knob?

where is your poise and rationality
or do you even possess any

i cant say that i do
but at least
i dont judge

deep inside
i wanna scream
claw
scratch
destroy
everything so brutally

there is no right for you to treat any one this way

for my life has already been screwed enough

then again
does anyone care

and then it becomes a vicious cycle

i hope our kids turn out different.


why am i so bothered then again
it's been so long

cos you're haunting me
you've been haunting me

just go away.

i really want to believe in the goodness of everyone.

a sense of travelling

a sense of longing

the wistfulness

of wanting to get away from it all.

hah. the irony.

i am torn

and i am not supposed to be.

i am not supposed to be.

well at least not in this.




shit.

warning

You better not fool around with him. Shame on you back then. Meeting guys for coffee behind his back.


Watch out boy. My sources are everywhere and I am going to breathe down your neck.

hmm

man is human
and to err
is man.

who is one to impose judgement on another?

anyhow.

i suppose there are some
that are perhaps more discerning
and meticulous.

God forgive the folly and sins of some
the unknowing and innocent

ok
i think i've found my priorities again

i am clear headed again
i think

anyhow
i need to work my ass off
if i am going to get anywhere


cos
once again
i am sorry but i never want to end up like
you.

but i love you so.
i love you.

unconditional love

On this fucking happy day.
:(

i guess sincerity counts for nothing.

maybe i owe you a lot from past karma
which is why i have to shed so many tears for you in this life.

and so many fucking songs remind me of you

i have never loved anyone so much in my life
ever.

i don't understand
and i don't think i ever will

funny cos i don't know
how to un-love you
even if i tell myself
logically
i should.

and even if i move on
the what-ifs
will always reside
in this deep dark corner
of my heart
and plague me.

how can love that runs so deep just end like that?

unless you never loved me
and that all i loved and believed in would just be a lie
and this hurts me even more
because i'm in too deep

and i hate myself for it.

unconditional love, what is?

When I'm Gone

When I’m gone
Will you take good care of everything
Will you keep wearing your wedding ring
When I’m gone

And When I’m gone
Will you take out all the photographs
Maybe spend a moment in the past
When I’m gone

Will you miss me
In the night
Will your arms reach out to hold me tight
And keep me in your dreams
In your heart
In your life

Sometimes I want to run to you
Like lovers do
When love is new
Just for a moment, be close to you
Pretending I’m still holding you

And even when I’m far away
The dreams will stay
And someday
After we both chase our fantasies
Love will bring you back to me

When I’m gone
I’ll be thinking bout you constantly
Cause your locked inside my memories
From now on

And I know
That we said we needed time apart
But your love keeps pulling in my heart
Pulling strong

to nadzim with love

Gerrie commented that 1 month was really short. Yea, it is really short save for the fact that I was serious about you. 1 month. A joke. Even my random flings can stretch longer than this. Perhaps it's the player mentality.
I was like you. Somewhat. I played too. I was never serious about the subjects I played. Been there done that and I was happy. Somehow, I was seeking something. I was searching for something. And I didn't know why I behaved the way I did. I can only think of the way I was brought up, the family hurt, and how Clement hurt me time and again. Yet, I still loved him. So much.

I was the type of person who wanted revenge on every guy, I would try to cast a web and see if the subject stupidly fell into it and then I would play with his feelings and make him fall in love with me and then when I got bored, I would dump them and I wouldn't care how they felt or if they cried. I've been trying to avoid this topic for a long time, yet I realise that if I don't blog it down or mention how I feel, I would never get closure. I am trying so hard to run away from the shadow of myself. I remember my nights being messy for days on end. Such were the follies of youth, such impulse. I just wanted to live my life hard and fast, such caution thrown to the wind.

Yet, I loved him. Deep inside, I only loved him, and no one else. I guess it's true how you can separate your heart from your mind from your body. I did that. And somehow, I betrayed myself, the very essence of who I was. I betrayed the person I loved, and when it ended because of my very own betrayal, it cut so deep. I hate myself for that. I still do. But there's no turning back time, or taking back what I did. No apology to anyone would atone or make up for all my sins, and yes, I am a sinner. Then again, who isn't? That is no justification I know, but I can only pray that time will heal and time will change, everything, for what it was, because I am no longer like that now. That was then. And this is now. In a way, I suppose I have matured and I would not suppose that I would repeat the follies of my youth. Perhaps this is karma. Just when I was ready to settle down and be serious about someone for real, he plays and hurts me.

I wonder if he'll ever change someday. They say never to try to change a player because they will never change. But I've changed, but that's because I was never a real player to begin with, I loved someone so deep although I still did what I did. I know it's no excuse, but that was the way I chose to guard myself in case the love of my life fled. I guess it didn't work because it went the other way instead. He tells me about how he is muslim and how he can never come out of the closet and how he loves his mom and how weird his brother is. He tells me he is most comfortable when with me. But hey, I believed you, but it turns out that that I am just a stand in so that you wont fee llonely when your bf is on holiday.

I wonder if you'll ever settle down, if you'll ever change. I wonder who you really loved. Deep inside, I hope to be the guy you will never forget, the guy who was really prepared to love you for who you are, the guy who gave the most to you, more than any other guy ever gave. I know it's only wishing thinking on my part because players don't see. I didn't. But I really hoped then that my sincerity would move you, that it would change you, and make you see love for once. I wonder if you've ever loved anyone. My family background was not like yours, I called the cops on my dad when he and my mom were fighting. But I am capable of loving and I know you are. I'm just sorry that the person you choose to give your love to isn't me. And I wonder if I'm good enough, ever, for anyone. I am just one of them.

Solomon, Edmund, Smiley, Marcus, Auburn, Kelvin, Edmund, Zhiguang, Alfred, the various other random guys and the assortment of one night stands. What was I thinking? What was I looking for? Youth. For mistakes. Youth. For joyrides. Youth. For follies. Youth. For impulse. Youth. For impeteous. Youth. For youth.

I would never have imagined that I would become like that when I was younger. I was such a nerd in primary school, such a dweeb. I was the unnoticed and the ugly, the haunted and the fragile, always the weak, always the vulnerable, always the bullied. I was so envious of everyone and everyone elses' and I hated my family. As I grew older, I realised people took advantage of you when you were nice and kind, I was always giving and never receiving. Yet, I believed in the best of everyone, even when life proved me wrong. I was convinced that no one could ever be mean or wicked, or even have any audacity to treat anyone bad. It was just wrong, essentially.

The sum of my life shaped me. The sum of my life shapes me.

Always the confused and mangled.

I was serious about you. You were the only guy next to Clement I was ever serious about. God knows why I chose you, I never wanted to get together with you in the first place. Yet, I wanted to try. God knows how many I've hurt and neglected without thought and pity, and I am sorry. But there are some who have for years loved me unconditionally and those I would never have played, and I thank God for still giving me my sanity to that. I wonder if you have any sanity like that. Any special people whom you will never play just because they're too innocent and kind to be played. Friends whom you will never hurt.

One thing that makes me different then was that I never promised the subjects I played anything. I never promised a future and I never promised everlasting love, like what you did me. In that aspect, I was true to myself. In fact, most people knew about the love of my life, if not explicitly told, I would have hinted somewhat. Yet, they fell for it and I was able to get my fair share of ego-boosting. I was so bitter then. I actually felt empowered for every guy I played and ditched. I liked the feeling of the then and now, better to actually have owned it once if not for forever. I wonder if it was how you felt too, or how you still feel, because you seem to be still at it.

These random memories confuse me sometimes. I would love to believe you're not like that.
I guess it's karma for all I've done and what I've done.
I'm sorry, to all I've hurt and what I've done.

I guess it isn't too late to change. Because I'm not like that anymore. I could easily jump into another relationship just like that, especially with some guys practically throwing themselves at me. But I won't, because I'm just not like that anymore. I can just place my emotional baggage on some random guy, satisfy my physical urges and then up and leave when I see someone new. But I'm not like that anymore, especially after the lesson from Ian Kan. Especially when I realised I could actually force myself to change for you and be serious about you. I never thought I would change for anyone. I never thought I could commit. I wouldn't have done what I did for you for anyone or any random relationship in the past. I was serious about Clement but I would never have changed for him. I guess people learn and grow from failed relationships, and I wonder if it's all worth it. I wonder if there's anymore.

Just one good one, one for forever, that's all I ask for.

one day

Maybe one fine day as you’re eating in Simpang Bedok, you will think of me, think of us and think about the past, just as how I now think of you and all that we did, all that we did.

I don’t know if I love you anymore because I don’t feel the same way anymore, just a deep sense of tenderness and a vault of memories. All that we did, it’s all gone now. All of it was so transient yet the both of us, for a brief moment in our lives, thought it would last forever. I think about the memories and I feel nothing but a deep sense of tenderness, followed by grief. And then when I blink again and return to reality, all is sane and calm, and then I blank out and stone for a while. Nothing is the same as before, nothing will ever be.

“The most beautiful love story remains in memories.” – Shin

And I will never forget how I once loved a boy so deeply. I once loved you, so much, more than you would ever know. I loved you, always and forever, forever and a day. Everything has changed though. Nothing is the same now. I might miss you when I do alone the things we used to do together. I don’t know if I will, but I know that sometimes I think about you somehow. And maybe one day you will do too.

One more night

I love this song.
It's so melodramatic.
I am especially fond of this line,
"When she's breaking his heart, she still fucks like a tease."

I bet you had good sex last night.

"They'll never be friends."
"One more night, I dreamed it was a good one...
The end should be a good one, a good one."

Nightingale

Nightingale
Sing us a song
Of a love that once belonged
Nightingale
Tell me your tale
Was your journey far too long?

Does it seem like I'm looking for an answer
To a question I can't ask
I don't know which way the feather falls
Or if I should blow it to the left

All the voices that are spinnin' around me
Trying to tell me what to say
Can I fly right behind you
And you can take me away.


I wouldn't change a thing
Cause life is how you grow
You live, you learn
And then you know.


I don't know what I would do if my heart got broken and ripped again.
I wonder how much I can take.

Inevitable - Anberlin

Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles
from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of
everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives

Is it over now hey,
is it over now
I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the ones,
the only ones we really love
I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives

Is it over now hey,
is it over now
I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Is it over now hey, it's over now
Is it over how hey, it's not over now
I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have

Till you're lying here beside me
with arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time.


We end up hurting the ones,
the only ones we really love.

And I was your last, first kiss.
And you were mine.

Seriously, isn't there no other last first kiss?
There can only be one first kiss
and one first love.

And sometimes, I wonder
if it was worth the while.
Then again,
I will never know.

Perhaps it was meant to be,
inevitable.

drips and draps

Funny how I don't feel the same way
towards you anymore.

And when things get busy and exciting,
I hardly ever think of you.
And I never thought I'd say this.
And I don't think I want it back.
For now at least.

I wouldn't know what to do, or how to react.

But when I sit by myself and things get quiet and I listen to those same songs, and all the familiar things come to mind. Bits of them, little by little, in drips and draps.

Apologise

I've seen you. Read your mind.
And I know how you feel.
And I've shed tears for you once last time.
Because of all that we've been through.
Because of the rawness of it all, the pain.

But it's over now.


apologize ?

It's a little late.

So I see you did hear me.

But it's all over now.

Leave.

Leave.

Get out of my sight, get out of my mind.

You knew you weren't that perfect.

Yes it was my bad.

So screw you.

You made my life hell too.

27th November we first met

Well, get out and get lost,
and then maybe you might learn something.

Get out.
Get lost.

Get out.
Get lost.


so you actually still allow me to affect you when you hear this song.
you still think of me.
and it still cuts. doesn't it?

you know you love me. you loved me. and now you hate me.

so hate me with all your heart.

because it's all over now.

drifting

I think I finally understand the way a broken arm can hate the hand."

With love, comes insecurities and fears, jealousy and hate.
With the good, comes the bad.
Yet, how many people can sit it through?
Hold on, like there's no tomorrow?

He didn't.
I tried.

Nadzim is not that far away, yet he is that far away.
I think about him, wonder what he's doing, if he ever thinks of me.
I don't know if this is jealousy, paranoia, obsessiveness or just plain love.

And I don't want to be like this, to let another person affect me or my confidence. Yet, is this a direct reason of being in love? Or am I even in love?

I am afraid and worried that the distance might kill us. I am worried and afraid that he would stop loving me, wake up one morning and realise, "What the heck. This is just plain stupid," and then it's over. He claims he loves me more than him and just stick to him because its the right decision. Thr right decision. HA! Everybody knows it isnt.

I am afraid and worried that it might all change one day. Then again, what right do I have to command that he loves me, that I be his one and only?

No Tyler, you don't.

I am afraid of drifting apart. But then again, we're already apart. All it takes is the drifting. Which I suppose is pretty easy come the distance.

But I will always think of him when I jear Jason Marz

: (

I was very happy this morning.
I am not very happy now.
I hate these moments.
And I wish
I was a whole lot better
in everything
at everything
for everything.

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths
and I don’t care...

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now,
Would you tell it to my face
or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I am givin' up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame
cause I don’t care.

I’ve had all that I can take
I'm not about to break
Cause I’m happy now,
Are you happy now?




Are you Happy now?
-Michelle Branch

trust

Trust.
Like insignificant ants on a tree.
Easily washed away by belting streaks of torrential rains.

How many people are to be trusted?
How many people are to be loved?
Can I entrust my love and happiness to you?
Will you promise me that my heart will never be broken?
Will you promise me happiness always?

Trust.

Such an intangible concept.

You were never really someone to be trusted.

I should have seen it coming.
They all saw it coming.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to waste 3 weeks of love, hurt, heartbreak and tears on you.
I would find it amusing when you abuse your boyfriend emotionally.
I can so see that coming too.

I think so little of you now.

Like a leech upon an insignificant piece of damp rotting bread strewn on the roots of a huge oak tree.

ramblings

Basically, I am pretty irked and miffed by the spate of events that have just taken place. Rather, I would like to proclaim that I have not regretted any of the mistakes that I have committed. The simple reason for this is that most things actually do happen for a reason. As you learn and grow from mistakes, you become more mature, you tend to understand more and you evolve into a more open-minded individual.

I do not deny that mistakes cause many heartbreak, anger, pain, angst, sadness, sorrow, guilt... whatever negative connotations that that word brings into play. My question is "So"?

Generally, mistakes cannot be avoided. They can only be avoided if you've committed it before and therefore stay clear from the berth of it. If you don't grow and learn from previous mistakes, you're just generally - stupid. Mistakes are not avoidable because they are unexpected and some just hit you in the wrong places at the wrong times. Now tell me, if you can foresee mistakes, then you must be a prophet. Or perhaps, you live in a little cubic space of a metre by a metre, and just sit there forever and pray nothing ever ever happens to you. Tell me, how do you avoid mistakes? Nothing out of disrespect, but if you think mistakes can be avoided, then you're just being all self-righteous, living in a 3 year old world of sandboxes and kiddy playthings. 3 year olds makes mistakes too. Do they foresee them? Can you avoid them? Certain things perhaps. The obvious, if you see a fire, don't jump into it. Other than that, can you anticipate that the mouthfuls of sand you stuff into your tiny little 3 year old mouth would make you choke until you experience so?

I don't wish to be absolutist or fundamentalist on anything because I think that is just basically wrong. It limits your view and perspectives on life, although you may not realise it, and still continue to be obliviously happy for the remainder of the time that you have before you get embedded in soil. I suppose a lot of people live this way. But no one is to be blamed, for that is the path they choose and the path they take. Perhaps they will never traverse out of that path. But what you don't know won't hurt you.

I believe most of the time that it is very much enlightening to finally see the light. But the light? What is? To me? To them? To everyone else? Everything is subjective. I just pray though that I never get compromised by anyone elses' thoughts or opinions. Well, the life you are living is your own. Listen to anyone elses' and then it becomes that other person's already. You will then lose your direction because what you already need to know, is in your heart. Follow otherwise, and lose yourself.

love/hate

what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fuck you, fuck you, i love you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out...
it's hell when you're around

I hate you

I find it funny that I can probably compile a soundtrack for what it was.

Coz we just won't eat

It's like,

the older you grow, the more you learn
the older you grow, the more you think
the older you grow, the more you change
the older you grow, the more you mature.

I never thought I'd feel this way.

Tell me, does absence really make the heart grow fonder?
Or does it just separate two souls already far apart even further?

We'll all stay skinny cos' we just won't eat.
- Rockstar, Nickelback

A letter to myself

There is an old chinese adage that tells us never to air our dirty laundry in public, literally and metaphorically. Dirty Laundry, everyone has a little bit of them, some maybe less than others, others maybe more than the rest. Unfortunately, I suppose I belong to the latter category. Tales of yesteryear untold, so many and so much, that it would shock the average happy person who lives his/her life blissfully on a daily basis.

I watched the Home Song Stories today, and it reminded me of my life. I wondered about my mother's younger years. I remember, I used to hide under the covers of my rickety pull out bed and pray for a better tomorrow, just like that little boy did. I used to weep every night, and pray, pray to God, or to anyone who might hear me, that one day I might grow up and lead a happier life, that I would not have to hear the abuse, the shouts, the screams, the fights, the ruckus, the unhappiness.

Time flies. In the blink of an eye, I am now 10 years older. As I rode on the bus journey home, staring into the bleakness of the night, of abandoned offices and empty schools, I caught glimpses of my childhood past that I thought I would never grow out of.

I never had, what you would call a happy childhood, it wasn't even half close to normal. I don't want to go into the details now, because remembering is painful, because remembering would destroy what I took years to bury and forget. And then I suddenly remembered why I did what I did, how I was shaped, why I grew up the way I did.

All those years of pain.

And I thought having a boyfriend would erase everything.

Maybe it did.

I found new pain to occupy myself with, so much so that I temporarily forgot the old one. And then when I recover from the recent one, I might push the old one even further into oblivion. Well, maybe not oblivion, but just somewhere deeper into the furrows of my brain. I would like to say heart, but we all know the human heart is not scientifically capable of remembering.

Maybe I just grew out of it. Maybe time erased everything, covered my wounds.

I am now 10 years older. Perhaps much has changed. I would have never dreamt that I would be like this 10 years ago.

Well, hello Tyler!

You have the capacity to earn your own keep. Even if not totally, at least it covers your expenses substantially. You don't cry in your sleep any longer. Not at least over what you used to cry over. You handle your emotions better. You keep yourself in check.

I am reminded once again why I swore off marriages.
Or perhaps why I should never rely on a man.
Men are all creeps. Bastards. Mostly useless creatures.



Tyler,

I don't know where you are.
But I know how far you've come.


And you don't need no guy, no scum of the earth, to make you feel loved or useful or wanted. You are fine the way you are.


Love it

Embrace it.

We all sin

We all sin.
We all carry the burden of our past,
the burden of the present.
I hope we learn.
I hope we change.

We all sin

We all sin.
We all carry the burden of our past,
the burden of the present.
I hope we learn.
I hope we change.

I wish.

I'm such a whore
a sinner
a slut
and I deserve to die.


I wish I never existed.

A forever hug

Like a milk jug that's empty, I don't feel anymore.

I just want someone,
preferrably someone who has no interest in me,
but still cares for me anyway,
and loves me whole-heartedly as a friend,
someone that wouldn't judge,
I just need that hug,
strong,
assuring,
secure,
warm,
I just need that hug
that lasts forever.

Love

Love justifies Love.

For Love that is not given,
Love is not taken.
For Love that is denied,
Love is devout.

I wish you knew how I felt.
I wonder how I feel.

Sometimes,
I randomly wish you could feel this way towards me.
But oh well,

and I wish I have forgotten how we were similar,
why we became friends,
permissibly even soulmates.

Hands Clean

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

I think about you

I always lament the passing of time. I know it's cliched. But I cannot help but always feel this way. As time flies, the past becomes a blur of memories. Memories.

I am only 20. Why do I feel so old? It's like "been there done that" is nothing but overrated.

I want so many things. I need so many things. Or do I?
How much do I really need?

Anger, jealousy and hurt. These have been the main emotions I've felt the past couple of months. Of course, there has been joy, happiness, feelings of wild abandonment. I am me, as I have always been so. Ain't it typical, ain't it dramatic. If it ain't me, it ain't exciting.

I believe things always happen for a reason. And I wonder what these reasons are, for everything that has happened so far.

And you are not here with me

Sometimes, I wish.
Sometimes, I wonder.

Transcript

CVO: In some ways, betrayal is inevitable. (Bailey is watching the police talking with Mrs. Dickerson)

CVO: When our bodies betray us, surgery is often the key to recovery.

(Cristina walks past Bailey)

CVO: When we betray each other, the path to recovery is less clear.(Chief stands looking at the full OR board. He'll never get to retire at this rate.)

(Meredith and George walks out of the hospital. Meredith stops at Cristina who is sitting outside. George keeps on walking)

Cristina: It was both our idea...to rob the bank. It was both of us.

CRISTINA: I know.

Cristina: I just couldn't do it any more...

Meredith: You did the right thing.

Cristina: Then how come I walked across the parking lot and realized I can't go home. Where am I supposed to go?

(George is at the house when Izzie enters)

George: Hey.

Izzie: Hey. So Dr. Hahn?

George: Yeah. He's my dad. And I'm scared and you of all people know what it's like to have someone you love in the hospital.

Izzie: No. You don’t get to bring Denny up to me ever again. Do you understand?

George: I'm sorry.

Izzie: Don't try to apologize not now. Not yet

George: Ok

Izzie: Maybe tomorrow.

George: Ok

(Meredith and Derek are lying in bed.)

Derek: You watched his hands all through surgery. You knew.

Meredith: I can't say anything. There are things that Cristina told me. She's my friend. I can't say anything.

Derek: No. That is not how this works. How could you know what you know, or suspect it and not tell me?

Meredith: You cleared him for surgery Derek. How did you not know? You can't be angry with me. She's my best friend. And right or wrong...she...

Derek: What?

Meredith: She was there when you weren't.

(He turns to face her, they share a moment of understanding and then they kiss.)

CVO: We do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that was lost.
(Cristina arrives home)

CVO: And then there are some wounds that are so deep, so profound…(Burke is in the bedroom)

CVO: …that there's no way to repair what was lost. And when that happens, (Burke slams the door in Cristina’s face)

CVO: …there's nothing left to do but wait.




but the thing is, what do we wait for?

Love and Hate

"Love and hate are pretty much the same thing,"
says a friend.

I've felt both extremes,
only for the people closest to me, the people I care about,
the people I would go to lengths for, the people I would die for.
these people measure few and far between.

And if I don't feel a thing, or perhaps cannot be bothered,
or feel neutral about something,
then perhaps that person probably doesn't matter
as much as one whom I would love and hate.

Yet, love and hate are really confusing.
I cannot distinguish between the two.
I guess I really love you.
I guess I really hate you.
But as time passes, I have to push everything away,
bury everything.
The inconsequential.
Or is it really?

Happy

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.
I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

boynextdoor

He's good looking
A star in his own right
There’s no way to deny he’s lovely
Perfect skin, perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside he’s ugly


Maybe I’m just jealous
I can’t help but hate him
Secretly I wonder if I'm more fun to be with


He is the banker, I’m writing for peanuts
He is a circuit boy, I’m sitting in the stands
He gets the korean hunks, I’m sleeping with ugly Joes
He's Mr Filipino
And I’m just the boy next door


He must be heaven sent
He was never the last one standing
Everything that you want
Never too harsh or too demanding

Maybe I’ll admit it
I’m a little bitter
Everybody loves him, but I just wanna hit him


I don’t know why I’m feeling sorry for myself
Spend all my time wishing that I was someone else


He is the nice bod guy, I'm the giant
He is the one with the nice voice, I'm the tone deaf
I get a little bit, he gets a little more


He is Mr sexciting Filipino


I'm just the boy next door

Didn't I ?

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning
I fled
Left sarah an sms and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart
will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved
you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved.
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs
to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved.

I wake every morning with the realisation that I've lost you and that I never cherished what we had. I wish I did. And I wish I had a second try although I know that all is lost and never to be found.

I grow green with jealousy when I think about how when Michael comes back, how you would forget about me as easily as you fell for me, and start anew with him.


I told you that
You will be loved

didnt I ?

I love you

I need time off to think. To be alone. To heal my hurt. To heal my pain. After 3 weeks, my heart is still in pieces.

I'm sorry I kissed you abruptly today. I thought I found myself. I thought I was back to when I could play and guard myself, vindictively take revenge on all men for being such bastards. But I realised I can feel no more, I can do this no more. My heart is now turned to stone. The last time it was living and breathing flesh was when it was with him. I cannot continue with anyone new. I'm sorry I just cant settle for second best.

They didn't give me the second chances I asked for.
He didn't love me enough.
They didn't love me enough.

And I am tired.
Too tired to try.
Too numb to try.
And I am sorry.

But I don't wish to go on hurting anyone anymore.

And I don't want to hurt myself for that matter.

As much as I am jealous of how he feels towards him and as much as how I gloat over the fact that we shared so much more, or rather, wish that he'll never have the same, because what we had was so raw, so intense, so sharp, so melancholic, so blurred, so high, so low, I wish you and Michael happiness. Although I've heard so much about him, and I don't want to see you go down the same route, for how can you be sure that he can love you as much as I did? But everyone deserves a second chance. And it pains me so much to let you go, but I have to let you go. I pray you find true happiness. It was just too bad that we left off as it was.

It pains me terribly.

After so long, I still feel tears streaming down my cheeks.

But I love you so much I have to let you go.

I love you.

I know you hate me.

I still love you.

ramblings

Whatever it is. It doesn't mean that just because someone likes you, you have to like the other person back. There has to be that element of something there. I don't even know what that something is that I have with you. Often times, I am apt to think that I don't even have a connection with you. But then again, if I don't, why am I behaving this way?

Having a good conversation with you makes me smile. Even talking decently makes me feel like I have a million butterflies ready to burst out of my heart. Although I know I will get hurt eventually, even more hurt than before, yet, I behave this way.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am a sucker for pain.

And yet, I want to give my all. Give everything I have. I am not even going to ask for anything in return.

Funny how I feel you although I know you're muslim and you cant drink and you cant indulge in wadever i love to. I'm happy knowing you're there and nowhere else. Yet, I don't want Michael to come back and I dread his arrival. I feel really insecure and sometimes I know you are here with me, somewhat, but not here with me. I don't even know what your existence is doing. I don't even know what your existence does to me. Ok, I am rambling here.

I wonder how long I can keep this up.

I wonder how much I can take.

Sometimes, as I drift into oblivion, I wonder why I'm doing so much although it's ended, and I find my justification being to protect myself and to gain my dignity back for what it's lost, although I have to throw all my pride away and throw myself at you initially. I want to hurt you so terribly you will plead after me and beg for me. I want to let you experience love and then lose it so badly you'll wish you were dead. I can do very well by myself thank you very much.

Then again, sometimes, I go into a very emotional mood. And I seriously think that all these things that I'm doing, is out of genuine care and concern for you. And then I begin to wonder why I should even give two fucks about you because you are still in love with him.

I've lost myself and you compounded everything.

I hate you. I love you too.

good energy

As I sat at Johor Baru sipping my beer (note: I don't really like beer because I don't really like the sour aftertaste. But I decided on a change today. Au contaire, I like shiraz because of its full-bodied spiciness that is reminiscent of full cream milk. Yum. :)I thought about love. Ok, I thought about love because for that minute second, or that few minutes, I actually felt contented with myself. I felt happy and at ease. I felt peace.

And I thought about love. This was also because I was messaging Alvy about love and how transient it really is. Love. Love befuddles and confuses. Love beguiles and bewitches. Love loves and hates. Love is like a glass of fine red wine. Pardon my mediocrity, but this is my take on love and what it is to me. Love is to be savoured. Love is to be treasured and love is to be cherished.

As I was teling my dear friend, love requires reciprocity. Unrequited love is but painful and draining. It saps the energy and life out of the protagonist, yet the antagonist sometimes doesn't even give a rat's ass about the former. That is the sad reality and truth of unrequited love. How much can you give? How much can you take? Tell me. How much?

And it is a wonderful thing to love and be loved. It is a wonderful thing to feel and have emotions. It is a wonderful thing to think. It is a wonderful thing to have thoughts. Essentially, all of the above make it beautiful to be alive. Yet, it is difficult to fall in love and even harder to love someone. And when that magical experience occurs, I'd say treasure it, cherish it, fight for it with your life. Believe in love, transient it may be. A beautiful moment frozen in time, etched in memory, is worth dying for. A day of love is worth dying for.

Having the capacity to blush, feeling the red in your cheeks. I was transported to when I was innocent once more, before Sarah Chian, before Ian Kan, before all that shit, before Clement, to the exact day I met him at PLAY. And I realised I missed myself. So much. I haven't been myself in a long time. All that moping, all that whining, all that pining. All of that nonsense has eroded who I am and who I was.

I used to have such dreams, such ideals, such hope, such strength, such courage and such conviction. I never let any boy or man get me down. I never believed that a man could be capable of love, yet I hoped for my knight in shining armour. I learnt from my parents' and our shared past that marriages are but fragile, relationships are but fragile. I learnt how to guard myself. I learnt how to be strong alone. I was happy. I read. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I drank. I ate. I swam. I took balls in the face. I was never afraid. I was crazy. I was me. I loved. I hated. I liked. I disliked. I tried my very best to be nice and kind. I tried my very best never to be mean. I had compassion. I had empathy. I was me. Whatever happened to all that?

On a lighter note, I will groom and pamper and take care of myself, so that I may love better and be better when the next person comes along. The next person will be someone worthy. Someone good. Someone for keeps. And I will be a better person, a better lover and I hope to be better looking too. :)

And Alvy says, "I feel you've got a good energy from the many times we've been out. Maybe, in the long run something more will develop. Lucky you..."

haha. Lucky you.

Good energy, of course I've got good energy. Without all that moping and pining and whining, with me becoming me again, of course I've got good energy.

I have so much good energy.

Love me.
Hate me.
Fuck me.
Idolise me.
Trust me.
Destroy me.
Save me.
Help me.
Murder me.
Abuse me.
Worship me.

parents

Anyhow, looking at my parents now, I am frightened. My dad looks more and more fragile with each passing day, with the disease eating away at his very core. My mom is becoming hard of hearing. My parents are aging. And I am sad. I cannot help but want to cry everytime I think of losing them. I know it's been difficult for the two of them. My mom being long-suffering and all and my dad having lost everything at the turn of his century, struggling to keep his dignity intact. Their marriage, the turbulence, the hurt, the abuse. But I know there's love. For they're still together, albeit by circumstance, but perhaps also by love. Love binds. Sometimes, I think love is such a cruel bond. Yet, there is just something so magical about it that causes two people to become such fools.

My mom is definitely bitter and long-suffering. She loves the words, "struggle", "heartache", "suffering" and "heartless". She also loves rebuking my father in front of us, often taking away his dignity at that. I know it's wrong but I can understand why. After so much, after so long, and all that we've been through. I don't think my mother knows how to be a good mother or a good wife either. But who am I to complain, she is definitely strong and capable, but weak and vulnerable at the same time. A woman. I've come to a resolution, that when I have kids, even if my husband is a total shit head and anal bastard, I will still tell my kids that he's a good man and it is really for them to find out how he is. Seriously, children are innocent. You bring them onto earth to give them joy, to teach them what the world and love is, you don't have to unload all your burdens on them. I remember being caned just because my mom was frustrated at my dad, or how my dad took it out on me just because I told my mom about the mistress. Yes, it was a miserable childhood. And the above is just the tip of the iceberg.

I guess God is fair. You win a little, you lose a little. I always lose in terms of relationships. All my boyfriends are gone, I haven't exactly found anyone to love me, I was always bullied in school, then when I turned miscreant and rebel, I became hated in school. My family causes me much grief. I've been exposed to hurt at a young age. I guess all that has moulded me to become the person I am today. I pray never to become cynical and hard-hearted essentially, for there is much to life, and although life injures, life gives as well.

Sigh. Why am I talking like a fortune cookie?

Technology flies. I'm looking at my new purchases today and I realise that in the year 2000, just at the turn of the millenium, which vaguely still feels like yesterday, VCDS were still the in-thing. Its picture quality and all then were a whole lot better than video tapes. Now, it's 2007 and the era of the DVD. Let's see, before tapes, there were LDs, bla bla bla. People age and time flies. :(

I hope to one day earn loads so that I may provide for my parents and give them a good life. I hope that by the time that happens, it won't be too late. I hope to get out of this rut one day.

I will become the man I always had in mind. I will become the man I always wanted to be.

hmmm

As I look at Clement's photos on facebook, I actually feel happy for him, that he's smiling and havingfun, or what seems to be from the photos he posts.

And I look at his smile and everything familiar staring back at me, from the eyes to the nose to the mouth to the bad hair. You do look ugly. But you were perfect to me. Perfect. I wanted nothing else because you were love and beauty personified.

And I want you again. Not you per se, but you.

Someone like you.
Where looks don't matter.
Where love is king and love is strength.

Somehow, I doubt if I can ever find this again.

I doubt if I can find anyone really.

Sigh.

I wish

"Love always lasts. It is just that it can be strained by the actions of the people who are in love. It is like a flower. If you water it properly and take care of the flower, it will always stay nice and good looking. In the winter, it might wither and look like it is dying but come spring time, it will be full of color again."

bah humbug.

is it or is it not?
should i stay or should i go?
i don't even have a reason to stay in the first place
but i have many to go.

tsk.
i shouldn't even be bothered.
right?

another advice

Ken says:

guard your heart,tyler.
turn it into stone.

cheap talk

Well, I believe that men are nothing but bastards.
And if I had a way, I would poison all of them
so that I would be the only one walking the earth.
With brains and science, nothing is impossible,
or is it?

I don't really believe in all your bullshit,
or rather, all this bullshit.
I have an aching desire to tell you
to the face that
I do not believe you :)
and that I detest men like you.

If I had my way,
I would give you a tight slap
because I'm not that dumb.

Talk is cheap.
And so are all men.

a band-aid for the brain

i seriously don't know what's going on or what i'm doing

get gone

MICHAEL


and


NADZIM


ARE


PERFECT


TOGETHER.

The song you never liked

"Into The Ocean"

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'
Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion

Let the rain of what I feel right now...
come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall
Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)Into the ocean (goodbye)
end it all (goodbye)Into the ocean (goodbye)
end it all (goodbye)Into the ocean (goodbye)
end it all (goodbye)Into the ocean (goodbye)
end it all (goodbye)Into the ocean (goodbye)
end it all (goodbye)(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

welcometohomolovebaby

i learnt 2 things so far in life
one, love is shit
and
two, i only like the unattainable.

Nadzim

Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's whole life, from one moment to the next. But there's another side of it. The second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair.

Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should bring only joy: love.

What the eyes don't see, the heart grieves over.

Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.

And last but not least,

Really important meetings are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.

clement

as much as it hurts,
i find myself staring at our photos over and over again
daily.
it becomes habitual.
i feel uneasy without you around.
without your presence.
so i stare at our photos.
the touch of skin to skin
your hand to mine
funny how then when the photos were taken
we never bothered to register the moment
the pictures are captured on film and paper
but the touch, the taste, the smell
of your skin
your tongue
your hair
the sound of your voice
can only be
imagined
now
now that i've lost you.
and i realise
i've never stopped loving you.
which hurts more
and makes me feel like
a stupid fool.

shadow

Your body’s won
But you are not
You give a little
Not a lot
You coup your love
Until we kiss
You’re all I want
But not like this
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

Your body gives
But then holds back
The sun is bright
The sky is black

Can only be another sign
I cannot keep what isn’t mine
You left and it lingers on
But you, you were almost gone

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon
And leaving too soon

I cannot tell if you mean what you say
You say it so loud, but you sound far away
Maybe I had just a glimpse of your soul
Or was that your shadow I saw on the wall
I’m watching you disappear
But you, you were never here

It’s only your shadow
Never yourself
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Filling the room
Arriving too late

It’s only your shadow
It’s only your shadow
Nobody else
It’s only your shadow
Arriving too late
And leaving too soon

It’s only your shadow

Because the night belongs to lovers

You know what?
I think that when I lose you,
and if I do,
I'm going to lose everything
that I am
that I do
that I will be
and that I have been.

: (

i am feeling positively shitty now.
i didn't even get a chance.
cos no one gave me one.
i think.
:(
here i am again
with nothing left inside.

"Nobody takes a photo of something they want to forget. Anyone looking through a photo album would immediately assume you lived a free, care free life full of joy and light.
Photographs are your little, defiant stand against the course of time. When you take one, you freeze time and from then on, you and the space around you become a sepia immortal.
And through this immortalisation, you scream via 6 by 8 glossy paper that you existed and that you were young and beautiful and powerful with the infinite potential to do whatever you pleased."

shit

a sense of longing

the wistfulness

of wanting to get away from it all.

hah. the irony.

i am torn

and i am not supposed to be.

i am not supposed to be.

well at least not in this.




shit.

different yous

I don't know why I'm back here again today.
I mean
at this spot
this fixture i've always been in.

I hate devastation, hate destruction, hate evil, hate sin, and most importantly
i should think i hate myself.

At the end of the day,
I reap destruction
bring devastation
do evil
and am the epitomy of sin.

I wish i could redeem myself
but how and why?

how and why
two question words
that nobody possible
never anyone alive so far
as far as i am concerned
can answer.

the hows and whys of life
the hows and whys
its multiplicity

fuck

dies irae



i wish everything could be that simple
this easy.

i seriously don't know why i don't mingle well
maybe it's the upbringing?
then again
at home
we don't mix well either
and i dont think anything can change this bloodied fact

i dont understand why so many people rant
and complain when everyone elses' lives seem so much better

then again i am in no position to complain as well
what is better and what is worse?

i'm probably better off than a lot of people in india
this is supposed to be private
this is meant to be private
and i hope nobody ever reads what i type
and reads what i feel
you may read but can you comprehend?
and if you do
the understanding may be nothing more than sympathy

and i dont need sympathy

i am fucking tired
have i mentioned this a million times already?

and sometimes i just feel like crying for no reason

fuck my pathetic wretched life

i dont understand why i have become so guarded
well actually i do
so many people
so much hurt

i dont trust

anymore

not even you

you whom i rely on
with the weight of my soul

i can imagine and fantasize for all i like
that one day we might be able to run away from this all
migrate somewhere
pack our bags and go

but then
id still face the same problems or would i?



you were the one who told me that
since your life has been so difficult since you were a kid
it'll definitely be better next time

it's an angering thing to be fingered as the self you're struggling to shuck off

to learn at 19 or 20 that the past goes on clinging to you

bursting out of the grave

when you least expect it

grabbing your ankles in a stenchy decaying claw

i feel old

i am old

inside

not?


i want to believe you
but then i can't

there's all this stigma
all this hurt
and all this hate

i could tell you i dont hate anyone
in fact i cannot wait to love you
love everyone
sooooo much

but then everytime i try

everytime i try...

i guess it never works out

never.

what is wrong with me

tell me


i guess the only solitude i will ever find
the only people who will never judge

for me at least
me at least

is in books.

you meet different people
lots of them
know them inside out
their characters their likes and dislikes.
and never for once does anyone point a finger at you and shout or say anything
never for once do you have to worry what people think of you although you're reading them
haha
very literally and metaphorically
like a book.


maybe one day id really be happy and at peace with myself
if i lived atop a rural mountainous area
with a nice view
of nature
with no one else but me and myself

and probably my special boy whom i've always depended on
but then again

most probably only myself

sigh

but i am a city boy
and i love city life.

It's all about grey

Dr. Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.



Dr. Alex Karev: For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.



Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.



Dr. Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.



Dr. Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.




Dr. Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.



Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.



Dr. Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.



Dr. Meredith Grey: Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Memories

It seems to me that most relationships seem pointless. Tell me, at the end of it all, what do you get? All the bitching, all the agony, all the pain, all the hurt, all the lethargy, all the drama, all the emotions. No more, no more, I tell you.

I know you still think about it. I find it amusing though. So much for forgetting me huh. I know you never will. Or rather, I will always have that spot somewhere, deep inside, be it hate or love. I know you don't know what to feel about me. That's just too bad though. I will always be your first love. Nothing will change that. I will always be that bitch that gave you the extremities of life, its highest highs and its lowest lows. Nothing will change that. And that, I can see. I know you're pensive, what with going through SISPEC and all. Trust me boy, you will change. Maybe you might not. But I do hope you will mature. Somehow. One day, just one day. I know we will meet again. How and when I do not know.

I am pretty happy pseudo-single and alone. Then again, the alone sometimes feels so alone. I used to have someone by my side to do everything I did. He was the best friend. But my life is so hectic now. And in those moments, I feel certain surges of emptiness. And I don't know why.

Over the weekend perhaps, I might just head for a drink at Backstage at Tanjong PAgar. A recent trip there provoked some memories. When the hurt and the anger fades, that is all that is left.

And right now, they feel like nothing more than empty shells,
a life that plays like a reel in the movies,
vacated and empty,
its owners long gone,
abandoned with nostalgia.

perhaps perhaps perhaps

sometimes, i don't know what to feel too.
or how to feel.
maybe i can't feel anymore.

we are getting distant.

i don't like to think about it.
i don't want to think about it.
it's like how you bury everything that was ever ever important to you.
all the photographs, all the memories, all the memorabilia.
and then as time passes by,
you forget where you buried it,
as dust and debris collect.
But you know, it's out there somewhere in the garden,
and you secretly know the exact spot where you buried it.
You just don't want to be reminded of it.
You never want to remove it.
Although you know deep inside,
you want more,
need more.
But there is no more.

And you force yourself.
Slowly,
to forget about it.
to forget about how it felt,
how it feels.
And you know.

You know.

Until there comes a day,
you will be able to stand on that plot of land
where you buried everything.

And not be able to feel a thing.
Because you've forgotten.

Perhaps.

Intesnse

I look at myself in the mirror and realise how much I've aged. My face and my being betrays my actual age. Is the body just a shell and the soul it's temple? If it is, then is my soul really that old as well? Everybody tells me I look older than I really am. Well damn it. Damnit. It's like how a hard rock may be eroded into a pebble by the constant gushing of a waterfall. My life is akin to the waterfall, fast, hurried, rushed, turbulent. Myself, the rock - shaped inconspicuously, year after year, turmoil after turmoil. I've aged, far more than what I really should be. I am after all, only 20. I wish so much for everything that has happened to not happen. But I know it's not possible. I wish so much for time to undo itself, so that I can go back and possibly make things a little bit better, a little more right.

Life is a funny thing. My life was never smooth sailing, never. I never even had a happy childhood. But it's ok. I don't lament how bad it went because I know I could never change what I could not control. But there are certain things I wish I could change. Because I had a choice, because I could. There are also certain things I wish I never did, certain people I wish I never met. But I guess time just sails by and once the damage is done, you can never undo them.

I see you everywhere in my head. Memories playing like reels of tape. I no longer go see you off to camp after all, after what we've been through. I think I finally understand how love can be bittersweet, how love can be turned into hate. Maybe it isn't really hate. Maybe it's really love after all, but that love cannot manifest itself, so it takes on another form in the face of hate.

I can finally detach myself and view the past from an audience's perspective, if that's how I may describe it. It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore. It feels like the past. But, the past in colour, the past in monochrome, never in black and white, the vivid past. Nothing is ever that clear - black and white. I still hear the characters speaking. I still see what they saw. I still feel how they felt. It's as if everything is in 3-D, but it's in the past. Objectively, I'm allowed to play these reels as many times as I like and nobody else gets to see these videos - those moving characters in my head. It belongs exclusively to me, and maybe him, if he still remembers. If he even bothers to.

But it's all in the past now. Although anything may trigger these reels - a shirt, a scent, a photograph, an object, a place, a memory. All so familiar but ever so distant, the past.

Like the tea tree mask I have on my face now. It's been with me for the longest time and is probably the first mask I ever used. It's the same old smell, same old texture, same old feel. Maybe a different container. But people change, times change, so do prices. But the past doesn't.



I wish these memories would go away. They seem so irrelevant now. I wonder if I really want them to go away.

Lost

I guess I lost who I was when I lost you. In a way, when it ended, I lost myself. And I see you happy now, it makes me happy too. Although I know I might never speak to you again, and we might never be friends again. And I always think about how sad it's become because we used to be so close, closer than anyone and anything I've ever been to in my life. And now, I can only feed off the miserable scraps of information you post behind a screen and an electronic wall, so I may know more, learn more, about you. I've always wondered if there was more, but I guess it's too late to tell. It's too late. Just like in your stupid song. I don't know, but somehow, I feel that a resolution has never been reached. Oh well, I hate being sappy now. Shit always happens to me, like it always had. I just really appreciated it when you were here for me. Although I've never told you, and you never knew. But I really appreciated you for everything. Now I have to fend for myself. I guess I always had to. I cannot form an emotional dependency on anyone. I have to look forward. Yes, I will. I cannot say if I miss you, I suppose I do. But oh well, there's nothing left to say, nothing more to be done. And all I can do is look forward. I don't feel a thing towards anyone anymore. I guess my heart is almost dead. And I've become who I always thought I'd never be when I was younger, when I was with you, and even before that. My heart is dead.

Simona
You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

Simona
Wish I had known that
What seemed so strong
Has been and gone

I would call you up every saturday night
And we'd both stay out 'til the morning light
And we sang, "Here we go again"
And though time goes by
I will always be
In a club with you
In 1973
Singing, "Here we go again"

Simona
Wish I was sober
So I could see clearly now
The rain has gone

Simona
I guess it's over
My memory plays our tune
The same old song

Who knew?

i guess i was just looking for a hint of you in every single rebound i dated.
and i was unhappy because i knew they could never replace what we had.
i'm glad it's all over now though.
and if i was in the same state of mind i had then as i am in now,
then i would have known better.
because i'm really much better off alone.

i know one day though that you might look back and realise how insignificant everything was.

i will always be your first love anyway,
like how you were mine.

Don't panic

It's been a while. I remember falling in love with you at PLAY on my birthday. You have become such a distant memory. Yet, it's one I will never forget. It is pretty scary how you forget things with time, you do not only forget memories, you forget also the emotions that come along with them. And how all of us, mere mortals, long to encapsulate eternity an a moment, a moment of joy, bliss, love and happiness. Nobody longs to encapsulate eternity in sadness, anger or hate. Yet, we all feel sad, angry and hate. As if at that moment in time, it's the most important thing we will ever feel. We all get older and wiser. I know I have evolved. If I am allowed to use that word. Evolved.

I've always been afraid of the cessation of thought, the cessation of emotions. I am really afraid I am lingering too close to the edge. I don't want to become the person I have always rebelled against, the person I never want to be. I need to find myself again. I have self-worth. I am capable, presumably more so than most. And I don't give a fuck about you, or you, or you. You all. Funny, somehow, I am starting to hate again. But all the angst is now hidden, unlike the wild child that I once was.

And I know for a fact that men are all sluts, hidden in the guise of two balls and a fucking penis. Bastards all. They all deserve to be dead. I haven't met one who is up to scratch yet, or deserves my fullest attention in a duel. None have been my match. Men suck. All. Literally. And they wouldn't do as good a job as me would anyway. HAH.

Fustration

Then again,
that feeling that you get,
when you go,
"If I can't win, I don't want to play,"
and then you play,
and you lose.
When at first,
you knew you were in total control of the game.

That, is a totally different feeling,
from love or hate,
that,
is a source of irritation,
the emotion felt when one's expectations are not met,
the feeling of impatience or anger caused by another's disagreeable acts.

That,
is frustration.

Even bread rots.

And memory is such a fragile thing, so is time, and love, hate and everything else. Everything just seems so transient, happiness or otherwise, and what seemed so real yesterday could just be wispy fragments of the surreal today. I wish I could seal everything in concrete, keep it, hold it, touch it - proof that everything ever existed. But I guess nothing's forever. I should have known. I should have known better.

Sometimes, maybe it's better to move on, face life as it is, live for today and the future. But even so, I still wish I could have a box of memories, somehow, like a treasure chest, sealing everything that was once dear and close to me. That was once. Yet, there is so much you can keep, only so much you can hold close, near, concrete. I mean, even bread rots, and you can't keep it for long. It is a perishable, and you have to ingest it somehow, someday. And then it will all be gone, and come out in shit.

Your only consolation would be that, you owned a piece of bread once, ate it, enjoyed its terrific flavour and then absorbed it into your body, the wholesome goodness of it all, passing out what cannot be retained as waste.

Ah, the cycle of everything in life.

Memories and experiences, they are no exception.