different yous

I don't know why I'm back here again today.
I mean
at this spot
this fixture i've always been in.

I hate devastation, hate destruction, hate evil, hate sin, and most importantly
i should think i hate myself.

At the end of the day,
I reap destruction
bring devastation
do evil
and am the epitomy of sin.

I wish i could redeem myself
but how and why?

how and why
two question words
that nobody possible
never anyone alive so far
as far as i am concerned
can answer.

the hows and whys of life
the hows and whys
its multiplicity

fuck

dies irae



i wish everything could be that simple
this easy.

i seriously don't know why i don't mingle well
maybe it's the upbringing?
then again
at home
we don't mix well either
and i dont think anything can change this bloodied fact

i dont understand why so many people rant
and complain when everyone elses' lives seem so much better

then again i am in no position to complain as well
what is better and what is worse?

i'm probably better off than a lot of people in india
this is supposed to be private
this is meant to be private
and i hope nobody ever reads what i type
and reads what i feel
you may read but can you comprehend?
and if you do
the understanding may be nothing more than sympathy

and i dont need sympathy

i am fucking tired
have i mentioned this a million times already?

and sometimes i just feel like crying for no reason

fuck my pathetic wretched life

i dont understand why i have become so guarded
well actually i do
so many people
so much hurt

i dont trust

anymore

not even you

you whom i rely on
with the weight of my soul

i can imagine and fantasize for all i like
that one day we might be able to run away from this all
migrate somewhere
pack our bags and go

but then
id still face the same problems or would i?



you were the one who told me that
since your life has been so difficult since you were a kid
it'll definitely be better next time

it's an angering thing to be fingered as the self you're struggling to shuck off

to learn at 19 or 20 that the past goes on clinging to you

bursting out of the grave

when you least expect it

grabbing your ankles in a stenchy decaying claw

i feel old

i am old

inside

not?


i want to believe you
but then i can't

there's all this stigma
all this hurt
and all this hate

i could tell you i dont hate anyone
in fact i cannot wait to love you
love everyone
sooooo much

but then everytime i try

everytime i try...

i guess it never works out

never.

what is wrong with me

tell me


i guess the only solitude i will ever find
the only people who will never judge

for me at least
me at least

is in books.

you meet different people
lots of them
know them inside out
their characters their likes and dislikes.
and never for once does anyone point a finger at you and shout or say anything
never for once do you have to worry what people think of you although you're reading them
haha
very literally and metaphorically
like a book.


maybe one day id really be happy and at peace with myself
if i lived atop a rural mountainous area
with a nice view
of nature
with no one else but me and myself

and probably my special boy whom i've always depended on
but then again

most probably only myself

sigh

but i am a city boy
and i love city life.