to nadzim with love

Gerrie commented that 1 month was really short. Yea, it is really short save for the fact that I was serious about you. 1 month. A joke. Even my random flings can stretch longer than this. Perhaps it's the player mentality.
I was like you. Somewhat. I played too. I was never serious about the subjects I played. Been there done that and I was happy. Somehow, I was seeking something. I was searching for something. And I didn't know why I behaved the way I did. I can only think of the way I was brought up, the family hurt, and how Clement hurt me time and again. Yet, I still loved him. So much.

I was the type of person who wanted revenge on every guy, I would try to cast a web and see if the subject stupidly fell into it and then I would play with his feelings and make him fall in love with me and then when I got bored, I would dump them and I wouldn't care how they felt or if they cried. I've been trying to avoid this topic for a long time, yet I realise that if I don't blog it down or mention how I feel, I would never get closure. I am trying so hard to run away from the shadow of myself. I remember my nights being messy for days on end. Such were the follies of youth, such impulse. I just wanted to live my life hard and fast, such caution thrown to the wind.

Yet, I loved him. Deep inside, I only loved him, and no one else. I guess it's true how you can separate your heart from your mind from your body. I did that. And somehow, I betrayed myself, the very essence of who I was. I betrayed the person I loved, and when it ended because of my very own betrayal, it cut so deep. I hate myself for that. I still do. But there's no turning back time, or taking back what I did. No apology to anyone would atone or make up for all my sins, and yes, I am a sinner. Then again, who isn't? That is no justification I know, but I can only pray that time will heal and time will change, everything, for what it was, because I am no longer like that now. That was then. And this is now. In a way, I suppose I have matured and I would not suppose that I would repeat the follies of my youth. Perhaps this is karma. Just when I was ready to settle down and be serious about someone for real, he plays and hurts me.

I wonder if he'll ever change someday. They say never to try to change a player because they will never change. But I've changed, but that's because I was never a real player to begin with, I loved someone so deep although I still did what I did. I know it's no excuse, but that was the way I chose to guard myself in case the love of my life fled. I guess it didn't work because it went the other way instead. He tells me about how he is muslim and how he can never come out of the closet and how he loves his mom and how weird his brother is. He tells me he is most comfortable when with me. But hey, I believed you, but it turns out that that I am just a stand in so that you wont fee llonely when your bf is on holiday.

I wonder if you'll ever settle down, if you'll ever change. I wonder who you really loved. Deep inside, I hope to be the guy you will never forget, the guy who was really prepared to love you for who you are, the guy who gave the most to you, more than any other guy ever gave. I know it's only wishing thinking on my part because players don't see. I didn't. But I really hoped then that my sincerity would move you, that it would change you, and make you see love for once. I wonder if you've ever loved anyone. My family background was not like yours, I called the cops on my dad when he and my mom were fighting. But I am capable of loving and I know you are. I'm just sorry that the person you choose to give your love to isn't me. And I wonder if I'm good enough, ever, for anyone. I am just one of them.

Solomon, Edmund, Smiley, Marcus, Auburn, Kelvin, Edmund, Zhiguang, Alfred, the various other random guys and the assortment of one night stands. What was I thinking? What was I looking for? Youth. For mistakes. Youth. For joyrides. Youth. For follies. Youth. For impulse. Youth. For impeteous. Youth. For youth.

I would never have imagined that I would become like that when I was younger. I was such a nerd in primary school, such a dweeb. I was the unnoticed and the ugly, the haunted and the fragile, always the weak, always the vulnerable, always the bullied. I was so envious of everyone and everyone elses' and I hated my family. As I grew older, I realised people took advantage of you when you were nice and kind, I was always giving and never receiving. Yet, I believed in the best of everyone, even when life proved me wrong. I was convinced that no one could ever be mean or wicked, or even have any audacity to treat anyone bad. It was just wrong, essentially.

The sum of my life shaped me. The sum of my life shapes me.

Always the confused and mangled.

I was serious about you. You were the only guy next to Clement I was ever serious about. God knows why I chose you, I never wanted to get together with you in the first place. Yet, I wanted to try. God knows how many I've hurt and neglected without thought and pity, and I am sorry. But there are some who have for years loved me unconditionally and those I would never have played, and I thank God for still giving me my sanity to that. I wonder if you have any sanity like that. Any special people whom you will never play just because they're too innocent and kind to be played. Friends whom you will never hurt.

One thing that makes me different then was that I never promised the subjects I played anything. I never promised a future and I never promised everlasting love, like what you did me. In that aspect, I was true to myself. In fact, most people knew about the love of my life, if not explicitly told, I would have hinted somewhat. Yet, they fell for it and I was able to get my fair share of ego-boosting. I was so bitter then. I actually felt empowered for every guy I played and ditched. I liked the feeling of the then and now, better to actually have owned it once if not for forever. I wonder if it was how you felt too, or how you still feel, because you seem to be still at it.

These random memories confuse me sometimes. I would love to believe you're not like that.
I guess it's karma for all I've done and what I've done.
I'm sorry, to all I've hurt and what I've done.

I guess it isn't too late to change. Because I'm not like that anymore. I could easily jump into another relationship just like that, especially with some guys practically throwing themselves at me. But I won't, because I'm just not like that anymore. I can just place my emotional baggage on some random guy, satisfy my physical urges and then up and leave when I see someone new. But I'm not like that anymore, especially after the lesson from Ian Kan. Especially when I realised I could actually force myself to change for you and be serious about you. I never thought I would change for anyone. I never thought I could commit. I wouldn't have done what I did for you for anyone or any random relationship in the past. I was serious about Clement but I would never have changed for him. I guess people learn and grow from failed relationships, and I wonder if it's all worth it. I wonder if there's anymore.

Just one good one, one for forever, that's all I ask for.