parents

Anyhow, looking at my parents now, I am frightened. My dad looks more and more fragile with each passing day, with the disease eating away at his very core. My mom is becoming hard of hearing. My parents are aging. And I am sad. I cannot help but want to cry everytime I think of losing them. I know it's been difficult for the two of them. My mom being long-suffering and all and my dad having lost everything at the turn of his century, struggling to keep his dignity intact. Their marriage, the turbulence, the hurt, the abuse. But I know there's love. For they're still together, albeit by circumstance, but perhaps also by love. Love binds. Sometimes, I think love is such a cruel bond. Yet, there is just something so magical about it that causes two people to become such fools.

My mom is definitely bitter and long-suffering. She loves the words, "struggle", "heartache", "suffering" and "heartless". She also loves rebuking my father in front of us, often taking away his dignity at that. I know it's wrong but I can understand why. After so much, after so long, and all that we've been through. I don't think my mother knows how to be a good mother or a good wife either. But who am I to complain, she is definitely strong and capable, but weak and vulnerable at the same time. A woman. I've come to a resolution, that when I have kids, even if my husband is a total shit head and anal bastard, I will still tell my kids that he's a good man and it is really for them to find out how he is. Seriously, children are innocent. You bring them onto earth to give them joy, to teach them what the world and love is, you don't have to unload all your burdens on them. I remember being caned just because my mom was frustrated at my dad, or how my dad took it out on me just because I told my mom about the mistress. Yes, it was a miserable childhood. And the above is just the tip of the iceberg.

I guess God is fair. You win a little, you lose a little. I always lose in terms of relationships. All my boyfriends are gone, I haven't exactly found anyone to love me, I was always bullied in school, then when I turned miscreant and rebel, I became hated in school. My family causes me much grief. I've been exposed to hurt at a young age. I guess all that has moulded me to become the person I am today. I pray never to become cynical and hard-hearted essentially, for there is much to life, and although life injures, life gives as well.

Sigh. Why am I talking like a fortune cookie?

Technology flies. I'm looking at my new purchases today and I realise that in the year 2000, just at the turn of the millenium, which vaguely still feels like yesterday, VCDS were still the in-thing. Its picture quality and all then were a whole lot better than video tapes. Now, it's 2007 and the era of the DVD. Let's see, before tapes, there were LDs, bla bla bla. People age and time flies. :(

I hope to one day earn loads so that I may provide for my parents and give them a good life. I hope that by the time that happens, it won't be too late. I hope to get out of this rut one day.

I will become the man I always had in mind. I will become the man I always wanted to be.