morale

Everything has a price yes.
You don't hope to get anything for free on this earth while you're here on a limited amount of time.
Give, and receive.
If you want something good, you have to offer something excellent, if not greater, in return.
And that, is the morale that we should all ascribe to.




Greater,
greatness.
The truth,
as we seek.

bimbo

I am really addicted to the soundtrack from The Next Best Thing. Some tracks are really really chill out and relaxing, some make you think, whilst others just don't make sense. I guess it's the same for all random soundtracks. You like some, you don't like some. That's the thing about soundtracks. It gives you such a variety, that if you're hardcore like Alica for example, you'll hate them. Alicia by the way is hardcore metal. Metal puzzles me. It's depressing and hard. I call it death music for the suicidal and confused.


Wait a second, sometimes I get suicidal and confused. I don't like metal. No wait. I am not suicidal and confused. I am confused yes, but I am not suicidal. I was only suicidal with Ian Kan because he was my first love. The feelings were so intense and I was so young, I had no clue.Anyhow, I wonder how wholesome and healing milk and honey, rose bud tea, peppermint tea, masks, pampering of the self and body scrubs are nightly. I select some of them and perform an elaborate cleansing ritual nightly, often involving blogging to relieve my thoughts and reading to improve my soul. This also includes listening to music, of which now I'm huge on soundtracks. There's this song, from Bounce, titled What If by this filipino singer called Viktoria. I swear, if I hadn't randomly bought the soundtrack, I wouldn't have heard. I'm quite in love with that song too now.


What if I told you I still loved you?


Yes, I am sappy. Get over it.I also wonder how fresh milk squeezed from a cow straightaway tastes like. I wonder how full cream milk, fresh, luscious and warm from nature tastes like compared to this cold glass I'm drinking that's 99% fat free and high in calcium. I wonder how true 99% fat free is.I dabbled a few drops of lavender oil on my pillow. I find that it helps me sleep better and the soothing yet heady scent comforts me, especially so at such a time. I try to burn the oil too every night. I wonder if it'll make me prettier. Hah.Anyhow, Clarice tells me that people from TJ think I'm hot, shallow and bimbotic. I realise I often give people that I'm shallow and bimbotic on the first impression. And I wonder why. Maybe it's the way I speak, maybe it's the way I behave. After all these years though, I've learnt to be curt and direct in my rancour. I don't like pretensions so I shouldn't give anyone any. Yes, I am a bimbo at heart somewhat. I take pride in the way I look and I love pampering myself and I don't try to hide it. Afterall, what is all this effort for? And besides, you only live once dear, treasure it and love yourself. You only have one chance. What's after? We never know. Perhaps when the sun supernovas and everything is gone, nothing will be left and everything that we all ever did would seem pointless.


Still, I believe that all the more we should take care of ourselves and live each day like it's the last. Do as much as you can. Learn as much as you can. Love as much as you can. Grieve as much as you can. Laugh as much as you can. Yea, you get the drift.Then Clarice tells me, that the more she gets to know me, the more she realises my many layers and how complicated a being I can be, that I'm interesting. Good. At least one person has tried for the many that just judge at first glance. I realise I think a lot in the bathroom, not the toilet mind you, but the bathroom, in the shower, and if I had a tub, probably in the tub too. As the water runs down my face and the length of my entire body, as I'm shampooing my hair, I think. Funny place to think though. I wonder if everyone thinks in the bathroom too.


And then, this really poignant memory comes to mind - under the moonlight at Sentosa, on the sand, both of us sweaty and naked, panting and heaving from all the sex, you asked me ever so tenderly if I could be yours forever, exclusively yours and no one elses. I remember being elated. I actually thought you were for real. I actually thought you were serious. No one ever spoke to me this way. No one ever whispered such love so tenderly. And for once, I actually thought you meant it. And I earnestly replied yes, because I honestly wanted to give myself and the rest of my life to you. I guess this is why I am so affected although I've had longer flings and I can not feel a thing after. After Clement, I really gave it my all. I wanted to be serious. I guess you were the second guy I was ever serious about, which was why I was upset when it ended the way it ended.


In fact, I wonder if there is such a thing as premonition. I felt an eerie sense of uncanniness when I sold my old Samsung E900 to the second hand dealer with our photo in the background. It was such a nice photo. I don't think it ever get to see the light of day again on a wallpaper of a phone. Call me superstitious if you want, but then, at the time when I was selling the phone, I felt as if I was giving our love away. If there was any love at all, oh well.

Sometimes Madonna makes sense

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open


You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open


If I could melt your heart,we'd never be apart
Give yourself to me,you hold the key
Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same


If I lose you
My heart will be broken
Love is a bird,she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die


You're frozenWhen your heart's not open

amen

Today, Mr. Alternative Earthling spoke to me for a while. He is but wise occasionally and often a good judge of character because he loves to temper with the human psyche. Sometimes, this freaks me out. But most times, I am fascinated because he is Mr. Human Oracle for the first 20 minutes of getting to know someone.So I did what I had to. Okay, maybe I didn't have to. But after hearing what people said about him being buaya again and how he only talks to pretty girls. I just had to reassure myself.


So this is what Mr. Oracle said.After viewing his profile. This is bad because I think the illicit thing that I did just feeds his ego even more. Not that it's already bursting.


Anyway,"he has that buaya looksuave nonetheless.just go with the flow. nth seriousa very family person hmm he might just surprise u."


First impressions baby.


And then as I go on to elaborate how he is a rugger and the various hardships he faced at various phases of his life, Mr. Alternative Earthling/ Human Oracle then responded,"accolades r hardly a judge of a personexcept perhaps one's intellingence and determination to succeed."


How accurate.Enough of the heaviness for a while. Let's have a short break with Mr. Alternative Earthling exclaiming his interest.
"he might be Bi! AC boy!"


So then I said, "well you think he's cute?"


And he replied,
"ppl frm single sex schs may tend to be bi or gay.he isnt cute to mehe is suave and manly.he exudes charm and sensuality as a person.cute is soooo not him."


ditto.


So anyway, Mr. Human Oracle told me to play it smart and not to get emotionally involved. Hell yea, what the hell was I thinking? We then agreed to go for one of those cheese (or mambo) sessions on Wednesday, as well as a spanking and glorius alternative session this coming Sunday at St. James.


God Bless My Weary Heart and Tired Eyes from All The All-Nighters.
Give me the strength to party on and bless me with beautiful skin.
Amen.

twitterpated

i shan't talk to you about this anymore.
i guess you need time.
i hope time tells
well.



Main Entry: twitterpated
Part of Speech: adj
Definition: confused by affection or infatuation
Etymology: twitter + -pated 'pertaining to the head'

heartbodymind

my heart, my mind and my body no longer work together

fuck

it's all my fucking fault
that i've lost you
and
i hate myselfso much


















i wish i could die.







because i miss you


















so much
but you're gone.


















and i'd give anything


for it all to come back.






i loved you so much

i'm still reeling
from
the



































after shock.
















































fuck i hate myself.

missed

i miss you.
and i miss all of you.
your smile.
your infectious laughter.
your silly jokes and stupid songs.
your smell.
your skin.
your armpit hair.
your ass hair.


i don't know.
fuck.
i miss everything about you.


i miss hugging you.
i miss cuddling up close to you.
i miss kissing you.
i miss loving you.
i miss you loving me.
i miss making love to you.


i miss you.
and i pray that you'd never read this.


i pray you love me.

hostility

i am so tired and so jaded
and so frustrated that my heart is numb and i could just give up any moment but
i won't cos i can't and i couldn't
and i fucking don't know why

iloveyou.
sofuckingmuch.

hmmm

the way we met was really coincidental. i mean. to have both of us dating Zheng. and then Zheng's brother dated Sarah before. and how I left you for Sarah and to only come back to you after 3 yrs. how uncanny. i hope you remember the stars my dear boy. literally.


but here's what i have to say. please listen to me. this is also a word of advice from my friend, J who works in a gay bar and has a bf for 5 years. don't lose sight. i haven't. i know what i want. i know what i have to do. you are not going to screw up NUS for me. nobody will. unless i allow them to. i'm studying for myself and for my parents. you, of all people, should know my background, and how my parents are. and how i used to be. so determined. so focused. i was lost along the way. but now i've found myself. i hope you find yourself too my dear boy. find yourself.


relationships, especially complicated ones that involve that dangerous four letter word, are between 2 people. it's personal. very personal. what transpired between the 2, nobody will ever know and nobody will ever comprehend. thus, others don't have a right to judge or have a say in it cos they will never know what transpired. they can only offer advice, but when they cross the boundaries and blur the lines, only you will know. yes. and i cannot spend my whole life waiting for you, because i won't. life is just too short for that. look at our parents, my dad, your dad, 50 years gone by, and life still goes on. i'd really miss you if you died. and i'd mourn for you and cry my eyes out too. not that i haven't. yes. i've been crying. partly for me out of self pity which is sad and pathetic. partly for us, what we lost and what we used to have. and partly for you, that i lost the boy i fell in love with. and that most importantly, you lost you. i don't know if there ever was a you then per se but i refuse to believe that there never was. i hope you know what i mean.


i've done enough. i know i'm sorry, that's enough. whether you want to believe me or not, forgive me or not, accept it or not, the onus is entirely upon you now. you can continue replaying the scene in your mind and bear hatred and curse me forever. but will you be happy? if you're happy hating me, then go ahead. i'm happy if you're happy, and i wish you all the best. but will you really be happy? i will always love and care for you though. always.


J said something very poignantly. time flies, bodies and souls wear and tear. if you claim to love each other so much, what's the matter? can't you talk about it? work it out? frankly, i don't see what cannot be resolved. maybe it's just temporal, maybe it's not, i don't care. all i know is that fate led us to meet so we'll just let fate take its course. Screw you or what your friends think. i really have a lot to learn from J and what lessons i can glean from life by looking at them. there are much bigger things in life to worry about, than harp on a single issue from a love-hate relationship. just let go, learn to forgive, grow up, be mature. maybe now we'll never understand. but i'm trying. and one day i hope i'll learn. i hope you do too.


ok, i've come to the end of my letter. just for information though, so you can see how foolish and gullible i was. i went to a parrot/tarot reader at little india and the lady also read my palm. she said my boyfriend would come back to me. and that we would be married in 5-6 years. remember our plans? haha. funny how i didn't provide her with details. i just told her we broke up. oh well. maybe i should just take it with a pinch of salt. i just needed assurance. and solid ground.


once again. initially, the parrot just drew a card after she told it my name. miraculously, it gave me all the answers i needed. i didn't even ask any questions. and I told her my name was Qing ( like how you always call me) not Tyler.

Friday morning, I left my box of memories lying on the floor.

I keep reading your old smses from a month ago. just to feel close to you.
just to know that you love me
and I wonder if you still feel the same way
or perhaps even more
and everytime I hear your voice
I shudder at the sometimes coldness of its technicality


when has everything become so matter of fact?
you dont tell me you love me anymore
and even if you do
it's not the same
we used to be so happyand i'm drifting slowly
apart and away
from you


please tell me you love me
and pull me back to you.

strungout

sometimes i feel so aimless
and disorientated.


and i don't know what i'm doing
or what i'm surviving for
or even what i'm made of.


and at times like this,i feel so frail and thin,joined at the bones by a string to the crumbling earth.and i am so afraid of loss.i suppose i have mentioned this before, haven't i?


shall not elaborate but i'd rather lose myself
my physical being
than lose my soul.
but i have a feeling that my soul has already been sold
to what and to whom
i don't know.

beauty

Beauty that is so strong will never be repeated.
that makes it beautiful


all the more so


whilst it lasts



and that makes it
sad as well.

becauseyoudon'tknowmyname

we leave home not only to make room for ourselves but also to avoid the sight of our parents losing steam.


I was a rag-bag of selves, torn fragments of people I might have become. some days I sat crumpled in a corner like a string-cut puppet, and when I jerked into life, you never knew who could be there, in my skin. sweet or savage, serene or stormy, funny or sad: I had as many moods as the Old Man of the Sea, who would transform himself over and over again if you tried to grab him, for he knew that if you did capture him he would have to grant you your deepest wish.


Fortunately, i found you. you who would hang on to me, holding my spirit tight in your love.without your love, i might go horribly wrong. for i am terminally alienated. the idea of family and community is almost dead in me. each is pygmalion, both are galatea. they are a single entity in two bodies: male and female constructed they themselves.


you are my only family, I am telling you. you are my only earth. both are heavy burdens, but I bear yours identically in return. damage is the only condition of life. the fissured ground, the crumbling inferno. where we will feel at home.


you wont do it. most of you wont do it. the world's head laundry is pretty good at washing brains. dont jump off that cliff dont walk through that door dont step into that waterfall dont take that chance dont step across that line dont ruffle my sensitivites im warning you now dont make me mad ure doing it youre making me mad you wont have a chance you havent got a prayer youre finished youre history youre less than nothing, youre dead to me, dead to your whole family your nation your race, everything you ought to love more than life and listen to like your master's voice and follow blindly and bow down before and worship and obey; you're dead, you hear me, forget about it, you stupid bastard, i didn't even know your name.



certain shapes pursue me
i cannot shake them from my heel
certain people haunt me
in their faces i will find
the things i feel

uncertain fate it daunts me
but im going to have to live with that raw deal
no authority's vested in me
on what's good or bad
or even real

and i can feel your love pour down on me
and you are the ground beneath my feet

all the earth i need
but earth is not solid
ever-changing
shape-shifting

fissures, cracks, movements
every single step
every solid touch of the earth
is what is real

everything else beyond one step per se is pretentious
and subject to change.

i will be a loser and wimp and rely on you for as long as i can.

plainlyfor all to see
i am such a wuss.

note to self:-
people don't like being around despair
our tolerance for the truly hopeless
for those who are irremediably broken by life
IS strictly limited

the sob stories we like are the ones
that end before we're bored

enlightened

i still remember in secondary three that ms. ong used to quote this line from paulo coelho's "the alchemist""everything you desire, the universe works in all its ways to get it for you"
something along those lines.

today an epiphany overcame me.perhaps those words are really true.
so far i hope
i do not dare to ask for more cos i know quite a few of my prayers have been answered


but i can only silently yearn
and hope

Songbird

I wish I knew which button to push
Then I'd know how to please you


It's sad but true
So I'll just listen in down the line
While you're busy mixing grape with grain
To sedate your pain


Songbird, you got tales to tell
How many times can you describe your living hell


The sweeping gesture creates a fuss
It's only useful when receiving praise
Relieving no-ones pain


If you'd let somebody love you just enough
You's have everything you need to breakfree from all your pain


Songbird, you got tales to tell
How many times can you describe your living hell
If you'd let somebody love you just enough


Songbird
Lyrics by Bernard Fanning

amoment

a moment ago, i was still in oblivion.
a moment ago, perhaps i was happy.
that moment has passed though.


i remember now.after reading all the entries.
well.
maybe some.
but significant enough to remind me of what i was
perhaps what i'll always be innately.
guarded.


if i could meet myself.
i'll rebuke myself.


wimp.
no need to cry over Zelly.
get over it and move on.
not that i already haven't.


just felt ..well. anyway.
the mentality's back.
i have forgiven though.
although i have not forgotten.


people change.
i hope i do.
for the better.

stopwaiting

A divorced mother tells her newly widowed daughter.


"I bet you had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own right? Yea, I know that. I know what it is not to feel like you're alone until he looks at you, or touches your hand, or even makes a joke at your expense.. just to let everyone know you're with him. You're his. God, that man could make me laugh."


"Daddy? I never remember you laughing."


The mother replies, "Now, it makes me sad. But I did. I did."


"Do you hate Gary because he reminds you of Daddy?"


"A little, a little."The mother continues,


"And I have been angry. For a very long time."


She laughs, "I'm exhausted."


She shakes her head.


"You think you'll ever see Dad again?"


"No, sweetheart, never." The daughter looks away wistfully.


"So you have to stop waiting," and the mother heaved a sigh.

peachywithoutme

It's not my fault, it can't be my fault that you speak to me the way you do. Now I'm split in two, I'm half me half you but I hate us both, don't you? It's not your fault, it can't be your fault that I let you crawl inside my head. Cause you know my places, and know that face but I hate this taste, don't you? It's no one's fault, it's nobody's fault that I fell on you and you on me. It's what humans do, and they pass on through but I think we can't, don't you? No of course you don't, of course you don't.





You said life is peachy without me.

Afriend

The temptation calls for great forbearance. Exercising your will on something delicate like love suffocates it. Yes, you win me today. Yes, you win me for the next few years. Yes, you win… but at what cost? If you break me, I will never be the same person you fell in love with. If you think love is precious, then you’d watch your step.



You know, I wish I could tell you, how sometimes I admire you for how you think and what you think. I wish I could tell you that you have a personality unlike any others I've seen and that you are special in your very own way. And how much I've come to like you as a person.

Then again, I think you'd get the wrong idea. :(

aftertherain

Well, it's been a year. Another year has flown by yet again, and I am gonna be 21 in April. Wow. haha. Reading back on the juvenile posts of yesteryear make me realise how childish and immature I actually was. Then again, those are fond memories of youth and the past.

I cannot bear to talk to him anymore. At first it was of love and fondness that evolved into nostalgia that I perused his life, then it became that of goodwill and friendship and care for this dear dear friend that I had spent 8 months of my most exciting, tumultuous and depressing teenage years. They say, to always discard the bad and remember the good. That, I wonder how many can do. I don't wish to remember the bad, but with the bad comes the good, the good.

Thinking back now, I must have been such a fool to love him so dearly and desperately although he hurt me so. I could go on about how bad it was but I will not. I suppose it is all now in the past. Discard the bad and only remember the good, or so they say.

He's not been very mature about it no matter how he likes to think. A huge reason why I have to turn away from him, even as a friend, is because of all the hatred he harbours. It must be really tiring hating someone like that. Why would someone have so much hate? I sincerely hope that one day he might get over it and find some peace within himself regarding the past and that awful matter.

The extent of how disastrous it was can actually be debatable, for I have seen cases of love hurt and love still strong. If he really loved me, he would have done what was appropriate and perhaps reconciliation might still be possible. I went all out for him for that year. I suppose people can only heal after they've really been shattered and devoid of all hope; hit the brinks of desperation and you will start to heal, slowly, but surely. A puzzle can only be put back together after it has been totally dismantled.

Perhaps if he really gave it all, if he only gave it another try, he wouldn't have accumulated so much hate. Hate, is not closure, baby. Then again, I have gotten over it. Maybe you should try to as well. I would really like to sit down and have coffee with you one day, no ill will.

I hope you get closure one day now that I've found mine.

I sought one from you before only to find all your doors slammed shut.

Maybe your episode's the reason why I'm back here, back to myself, back to before I met you.

But and hopefully only older and wiser.






I wish you could see clearly now the rain has gone.

Baby, the rain has gone.

I choose life

Let me go if you don't love me.
I gotta protect my heart.

Don't wanna be disappointed when you don't call.

Or when you play me out.

I choose life.

The Last Goodbye

Aint no headlights on the road tonight
Aint nobody too make it right
Cause we couldn’t seem to find a way for love to stay


If you had another night too give,
I’ll have another night too live.


But you are never gonna see me cry the last goodbye.


Aim high.
Shoot low.