hmmm

the way we met was really coincidental. i mean. to have both of us dating Zheng. and then Zheng's brother dated Sarah before. and how I left you for Sarah and to only come back to you after 3 yrs. how uncanny. i hope you remember the stars my dear boy. literally.


but here's what i have to say. please listen to me. this is also a word of advice from my friend, J who works in a gay bar and has a bf for 5 years. don't lose sight. i haven't. i know what i want. i know what i have to do. you are not going to screw up NUS for me. nobody will. unless i allow them to. i'm studying for myself and for my parents. you, of all people, should know my background, and how my parents are. and how i used to be. so determined. so focused. i was lost along the way. but now i've found myself. i hope you find yourself too my dear boy. find yourself.


relationships, especially complicated ones that involve that dangerous four letter word, are between 2 people. it's personal. very personal. what transpired between the 2, nobody will ever know and nobody will ever comprehend. thus, others don't have a right to judge or have a say in it cos they will never know what transpired. they can only offer advice, but when they cross the boundaries and blur the lines, only you will know. yes. and i cannot spend my whole life waiting for you, because i won't. life is just too short for that. look at our parents, my dad, your dad, 50 years gone by, and life still goes on. i'd really miss you if you died. and i'd mourn for you and cry my eyes out too. not that i haven't. yes. i've been crying. partly for me out of self pity which is sad and pathetic. partly for us, what we lost and what we used to have. and partly for you, that i lost the boy i fell in love with. and that most importantly, you lost you. i don't know if there ever was a you then per se but i refuse to believe that there never was. i hope you know what i mean.


i've done enough. i know i'm sorry, that's enough. whether you want to believe me or not, forgive me or not, accept it or not, the onus is entirely upon you now. you can continue replaying the scene in your mind and bear hatred and curse me forever. but will you be happy? if you're happy hating me, then go ahead. i'm happy if you're happy, and i wish you all the best. but will you really be happy? i will always love and care for you though. always.


J said something very poignantly. time flies, bodies and souls wear and tear. if you claim to love each other so much, what's the matter? can't you talk about it? work it out? frankly, i don't see what cannot be resolved. maybe it's just temporal, maybe it's not, i don't care. all i know is that fate led us to meet so we'll just let fate take its course. Screw you or what your friends think. i really have a lot to learn from J and what lessons i can glean from life by looking at them. there are much bigger things in life to worry about, than harp on a single issue from a love-hate relationship. just let go, learn to forgive, grow up, be mature. maybe now we'll never understand. but i'm trying. and one day i hope i'll learn. i hope you do too.


ok, i've come to the end of my letter. just for information though, so you can see how foolish and gullible i was. i went to a parrot/tarot reader at little india and the lady also read my palm. she said my boyfriend would come back to me. and that we would be married in 5-6 years. remember our plans? haha. funny how i didn't provide her with details. i just told her we broke up. oh well. maybe i should just take it with a pinch of salt. i just needed assurance. and solid ground.


once again. initially, the parrot just drew a card after she told it my name. miraculously, it gave me all the answers i needed. i didn't even ask any questions. and I told her my name was Qing ( like how you always call me) not Tyler.