bimbo

I am really addicted to the soundtrack from The Next Best Thing. Some tracks are really really chill out and relaxing, some make you think, whilst others just don't make sense. I guess it's the same for all random soundtracks. You like some, you don't like some. That's the thing about soundtracks. It gives you such a variety, that if you're hardcore like Alica for example, you'll hate them. Alicia by the way is hardcore metal. Metal puzzles me. It's depressing and hard. I call it death music for the suicidal and confused.


Wait a second, sometimes I get suicidal and confused. I don't like metal. No wait. I am not suicidal and confused. I am confused yes, but I am not suicidal. I was only suicidal with Ian Kan because he was my first love. The feelings were so intense and I was so young, I had no clue.Anyhow, I wonder how wholesome and healing milk and honey, rose bud tea, peppermint tea, masks, pampering of the self and body scrubs are nightly. I select some of them and perform an elaborate cleansing ritual nightly, often involving blogging to relieve my thoughts and reading to improve my soul. This also includes listening to music, of which now I'm huge on soundtracks. There's this song, from Bounce, titled What If by this filipino singer called Viktoria. I swear, if I hadn't randomly bought the soundtrack, I wouldn't have heard. I'm quite in love with that song too now.


What if I told you I still loved you?


Yes, I am sappy. Get over it.I also wonder how fresh milk squeezed from a cow straightaway tastes like. I wonder how full cream milk, fresh, luscious and warm from nature tastes like compared to this cold glass I'm drinking that's 99% fat free and high in calcium. I wonder how true 99% fat free is.I dabbled a few drops of lavender oil on my pillow. I find that it helps me sleep better and the soothing yet heady scent comforts me, especially so at such a time. I try to burn the oil too every night. I wonder if it'll make me prettier. Hah.Anyhow, Clarice tells me that people from TJ think I'm hot, shallow and bimbotic. I realise I often give people that I'm shallow and bimbotic on the first impression. And I wonder why. Maybe it's the way I speak, maybe it's the way I behave. After all these years though, I've learnt to be curt and direct in my rancour. I don't like pretensions so I shouldn't give anyone any. Yes, I am a bimbo at heart somewhat. I take pride in the way I look and I love pampering myself and I don't try to hide it. Afterall, what is all this effort for? And besides, you only live once dear, treasure it and love yourself. You only have one chance. What's after? We never know. Perhaps when the sun supernovas and everything is gone, nothing will be left and everything that we all ever did would seem pointless.


Still, I believe that all the more we should take care of ourselves and live each day like it's the last. Do as much as you can. Learn as much as you can. Love as much as you can. Grieve as much as you can. Laugh as much as you can. Yea, you get the drift.Then Clarice tells me, that the more she gets to know me, the more she realises my many layers and how complicated a being I can be, that I'm interesting. Good. At least one person has tried for the many that just judge at first glance. I realise I think a lot in the bathroom, not the toilet mind you, but the bathroom, in the shower, and if I had a tub, probably in the tub too. As the water runs down my face and the length of my entire body, as I'm shampooing my hair, I think. Funny place to think though. I wonder if everyone thinks in the bathroom too.


And then, this really poignant memory comes to mind - under the moonlight at Sentosa, on the sand, both of us sweaty and naked, panting and heaving from all the sex, you asked me ever so tenderly if I could be yours forever, exclusively yours and no one elses. I remember being elated. I actually thought you were for real. I actually thought you were serious. No one ever spoke to me this way. No one ever whispered such love so tenderly. And for once, I actually thought you meant it. And I earnestly replied yes, because I honestly wanted to give myself and the rest of my life to you. I guess this is why I am so affected although I've had longer flings and I can not feel a thing after. After Clement, I really gave it my all. I wanted to be serious. I guess you were the second guy I was ever serious about, which was why I was upset when it ended the way it ended.


In fact, I wonder if there is such a thing as premonition. I felt an eerie sense of uncanniness when I sold my old Samsung E900 to the second hand dealer with our photo in the background. It was such a nice photo. I don't think it ever get to see the light of day again on a wallpaper of a phone. Call me superstitious if you want, but then, at the time when I was selling the phone, I felt as if I was giving our love away. If there was any love at all, oh well.