good energy

As I sat at Johor Baru sipping my beer (note: I don't really like beer because I don't really like the sour aftertaste. But I decided on a change today. Au contaire, I like shiraz because of its full-bodied spiciness that is reminiscent of full cream milk. Yum. :)I thought about love. Ok, I thought about love because for that minute second, or that few minutes, I actually felt contented with myself. I felt happy and at ease. I felt peace.

And I thought about love. This was also because I was messaging Alvy about love and how transient it really is. Love. Love befuddles and confuses. Love beguiles and bewitches. Love loves and hates. Love is like a glass of fine red wine. Pardon my mediocrity, but this is my take on love and what it is to me. Love is to be savoured. Love is to be treasured and love is to be cherished.

As I was teling my dear friend, love requires reciprocity. Unrequited love is but painful and draining. It saps the energy and life out of the protagonist, yet the antagonist sometimes doesn't even give a rat's ass about the former. That is the sad reality and truth of unrequited love. How much can you give? How much can you take? Tell me. How much?

And it is a wonderful thing to love and be loved. It is a wonderful thing to feel and have emotions. It is a wonderful thing to think. It is a wonderful thing to have thoughts. Essentially, all of the above make it beautiful to be alive. Yet, it is difficult to fall in love and even harder to love someone. And when that magical experience occurs, I'd say treasure it, cherish it, fight for it with your life. Believe in love, transient it may be. A beautiful moment frozen in time, etched in memory, is worth dying for. A day of love is worth dying for.

Having the capacity to blush, feeling the red in your cheeks. I was transported to when I was innocent once more, before Sarah Chian, before Ian Kan, before all that shit, before Clement, to the exact day I met him at PLAY. And I realised I missed myself. So much. I haven't been myself in a long time. All that moping, all that whining, all that pining. All of that nonsense has eroded who I am and who I was.

I used to have such dreams, such ideals, such hope, such strength, such courage and such conviction. I never let any boy or man get me down. I never believed that a man could be capable of love, yet I hoped for my knight in shining armour. I learnt from my parents' and our shared past that marriages are but fragile, relationships are but fragile. I learnt how to guard myself. I learnt how to be strong alone. I was happy. I read. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I drank. I ate. I swam. I took balls in the face. I was never afraid. I was crazy. I was me. I loved. I hated. I liked. I disliked. I tried my very best to be nice and kind. I tried my very best never to be mean. I had compassion. I had empathy. I was me. Whatever happened to all that?

On a lighter note, I will groom and pamper and take care of myself, so that I may love better and be better when the next person comes along. The next person will be someone worthy. Someone good. Someone for keeps. And I will be a better person, a better lover and I hope to be better looking too. :)

And Alvy says, "I feel you've got a good energy from the many times we've been out. Maybe, in the long run something more will develop. Lucky you..."

haha. Lucky you.

Good energy, of course I've got good energy. Without all that moping and pining and whining, with me becoming me again, of course I've got good energy.

I have so much good energy.

Love me.
Hate me.
Fuck me.
Idolise me.
Trust me.
Destroy me.
Save me.
Help me.
Murder me.
Abuse me.
Worship me.