ramblings

Whatever it is. It doesn't mean that just because someone likes you, you have to like the other person back. There has to be that element of something there. I don't even know what that something is that I have with you. Often times, I am apt to think that I don't even have a connection with you. But then again, if I don't, why am I behaving this way?

Having a good conversation with you makes me smile. Even talking decently makes me feel like I have a million butterflies ready to burst out of my heart. Although I know I will get hurt eventually, even more hurt than before, yet, I behave this way.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am a sucker for pain.

And yet, I want to give my all. Give everything I have. I am not even going to ask for anything in return.

Funny how I feel you although I know you're muslim and you cant drink and you cant indulge in wadever i love to. I'm happy knowing you're there and nowhere else. Yet, I don't want Michael to come back and I dread his arrival. I feel really insecure and sometimes I know you are here with me, somewhat, but not here with me. I don't even know what your existence is doing. I don't even know what your existence does to me. Ok, I am rambling here.

I wonder how long I can keep this up.

I wonder how much I can take.

Sometimes, as I drift into oblivion, I wonder why I'm doing so much although it's ended, and I find my justification being to protect myself and to gain my dignity back for what it's lost, although I have to throw all my pride away and throw myself at you initially. I want to hurt you so terribly you will plead after me and beg for me. I want to let you experience love and then lose it so badly you'll wish you were dead. I can do very well by myself thank you very much.

Then again, sometimes, I go into a very emotional mood. And I seriously think that all these things that I'm doing, is out of genuine care and concern for you. And then I begin to wonder why I should even give two fucks about you because you are still in love with him.

I've lost myself and you compounded everything.

I hate you. I love you too.