A letter to myself

There is an old chinese adage that tells us never to air our dirty laundry in public, literally and metaphorically. Dirty Laundry, everyone has a little bit of them, some maybe less than others, others maybe more than the rest. Unfortunately, I suppose I belong to the latter category. Tales of yesteryear untold, so many and so much, that it would shock the average happy person who lives his/her life blissfully on a daily basis.

I watched the Home Song Stories today, and it reminded me of my life. I wondered about my mother's younger years. I remember, I used to hide under the covers of my rickety pull out bed and pray for a better tomorrow, just like that little boy did. I used to weep every night, and pray, pray to God, or to anyone who might hear me, that one day I might grow up and lead a happier life, that I would not have to hear the abuse, the shouts, the screams, the fights, the ruckus, the unhappiness.

Time flies. In the blink of an eye, I am now 10 years older. As I rode on the bus journey home, staring into the bleakness of the night, of abandoned offices and empty schools, I caught glimpses of my childhood past that I thought I would never grow out of.

I never had, what you would call a happy childhood, it wasn't even half close to normal. I don't want to go into the details now, because remembering is painful, because remembering would destroy what I took years to bury and forget. And then I suddenly remembered why I did what I did, how I was shaped, why I grew up the way I did.

All those years of pain.

And I thought having a boyfriend would erase everything.

Maybe it did.

I found new pain to occupy myself with, so much so that I temporarily forgot the old one. And then when I recover from the recent one, I might push the old one even further into oblivion. Well, maybe not oblivion, but just somewhere deeper into the furrows of my brain. I would like to say heart, but we all know the human heart is not scientifically capable of remembering.

Maybe I just grew out of it. Maybe time erased everything, covered my wounds.

I am now 10 years older. Perhaps much has changed. I would have never dreamt that I would be like this 10 years ago.

Well, hello Tyler!

You have the capacity to earn your own keep. Even if not totally, at least it covers your expenses substantially. You don't cry in your sleep any longer. Not at least over what you used to cry over. You handle your emotions better. You keep yourself in check.

I am reminded once again why I swore off marriages.
Or perhaps why I should never rely on a man.
Men are all creeps. Bastards. Mostly useless creatures.



Tyler,

I don't know where you are.
But I know how far you've come.


And you don't need no guy, no scum of the earth, to make you feel loved or useful or wanted. You are fine the way you are.


Love it

Embrace it.