counting sheeps

I couldn't get to sleep last night, as I've been for the previous nights, but last night was particularly bad. I tossed and turned and only fell asleep, or managed to force myself to fall asleep at 6.30 a.m. or thereabout.


I tried to think about counting woolly sheep jumping over fences in a meadow to try to get to sleep at first according to popular belief. That did not work however. That never works. The person who came up with counting sheep to induce sleep is a total dumb ass. Eventually, the image of jumping pills came to mind. You know, like jumping beans from Mexico, except that the only objects that were jumping in my sleep were medicinal pills. Yes, pills that you take to make yourself feel better when you're ill. I had a variety of choices though, although the pills in my head were always the capsule kinds and not the round tabular ones. The choices I had, pertained to the colour of the pills - red and white, green and red, blue and red.. It worked for a while until the sound of the ticking clock and my mom's waking activites burst the image out of my mind. Somehow, counting jumping pills over fences, as ridiculous as it sounds, made me feel more at ease somewhat.


And as I felt that I was slowly drifting into slumber, I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming that Clement was still here, next to me, holding me close as he slept and I felt a sense of calm sweep over me, just like before. But then my conciousness told me that all of it wasn't true and that reality was the better option.


I was happier now?
Definitely with Zelly. Because he treats me well and I love him for who he is. So strong yet so tender.


But the memories then started to rush by one by one, even things that I had buried deep and appeared to have forgotten. I felt anger, angst, hate, sadness, sorrow. I think I also felt something else, but I will never use that word again to describe what we had.


I forced myself to sleep at 6.30 a.m.